Smarty Pants

contemplation

2011-05-19T20:00:00.004-06:00

So I've been thinking, yes it hurt, about writing down all of the hilariousness that spews forth from The Girl Child's mouth. The problem with that is that as soon as it's published she'll say some more funny things and I'll wish that they were in it too. So maybe i should just keep collecting those gems and wait till she's a snarky teenager and then embarrass the crap out of her by publishing it then.

Your thoughts?

Also maybe I might have been contemplating turning this here sucker into a food blog, seeing as I've become ever more reclusive and there's only so much a hermit can actually write about.

Here's my first installment- Recipe for toast

1- get a toaster
2- plug in said toaster
3- put bread, any variety you'd like
4-push down the toaster button
5-wait
6-put cooked toast on a plate
7-top with butter, jam, nutella or other topping of chioce
8-eat

back from hiatus and an actual conversation

2011-05-09T11:46:00.004-06:00

Roofs leak, girl's camp meetings must be attended, I run an orphanage, and mommas visit. What can I say- life happens, and the first thing to go is luxury time, sorry for the silence.

My mother's day gift form Girl Child? Laughter, oh and toast in bed- crumbs brushed over to Schroedad's side of course.

In sacrament meeting on Mother's day the primary children always sing, Girl Child got all the way to the stairs this year before skittering back- a record.

Actual Conversation prior to the meeting's start

Smarty Pants: Are you going to go up there and sing to me this year?

Girl Child: Ok, but only if you promise to cry (after a lengthy pause for consideration I might add).

actual conversation: children's television programs

2011-04-12T16:39:00.003-06:00

I have a random question. What would happen if a preschool aged girl and her pet went wandering off in the forest? In real life DCFS would be all over that, but on Nickelodeon it's ok.

I can just imagine it now... An Amber alert has been issued for a 'Dora Explorer' who was last seen with her pet monkey 'Boots'. Mr. & Mrs. Explorer have issued the following statement
"We're not overly concerned, she goes on adventures like this all of the time. She has survival gear inside of her backpack, as well as a GPS like map. She'll be home around dark".

I'll bet you're wondering what brought all this philosophizing about, it was a conversation The Girl Child and I had a few years ago that I wrote about in my "for Em journal"- it went like this:

Smarty Pants: Umm, where are you going, and why do you have a back pack and Ducky?

Girl Child: On a adventure.

Smarty Pants: Oh, I see. Where is your adventure going to be?

Girl Child: Where ever it happens, mostly outside though.

Smarty Pants: Ok- but don't go out front alone.

Girl Child: Mom, do I have to stay in the back yard? Dora never takes her mom.

Smarty Pants: Dora also has a pet monkey, and a talking map, so yes- the yard it is.

Girl Child: Real life isn't as fun as cartoon life.

gratitude: tmi edition

2011-04-10T14:04:00.003-06:00

Warning the following post may contain information you'd rather not know
about anyone, ever, let alone me, now.

You know what I'm grateful for? The fact that my stomach/intestinal area is only connected to 2 orifices. Oh, and that there are exactly as many bathrooms as there are bottoms in this house.

how you know

2011-04-06T12:31:00.005-06:00

How do you know it's conference weekend in Utah?

just in case there was the temptation to go out and love spring- Heavenly Father helped you out- seriously He did. Take a look

Before conference

During conference

Just as conference was finishing

...but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 Cor 10:13

vitamin D

2011-04-01T22:42:00.003-06:00

Sorry - can't post today. I'm out getting my first sunburn of the season

check it out

2011-03-30T10:20:00.003-06:00

This guy takes random things and photographs them in funny situations

Little egg- Big dreams

Sweet cupcake goes Marilyn

Bon Voyage- Golf ball prepares

Escape form an overzealous admirer

MFEO

book fair rejects aka: creepiest children's books ever written

2011-03-28T13:07:00.007-06:00

It's not bad enough that there's even a book- it's a guided tour by Senor Caca in a beret and plaid golf pants

What happened to holing up in your room with Narnia and some twinkies?

Did it really need to be fully illustrated?

Do little boys really need a book to tell them how to do this?

"One nation, indivisible" maybe the cover art wasn't all that well thought out after all

just exactly right

2011-03-16T18:18:00.004-06:00

You know what's funny- sometimes I'll pray for something, get an answer and not recognize it. My blindness is an art form.

How lucky I am that Heavenly Father is all perfect and stuff, and He'll patiently tell me again, and then send some fantastic thing to get my attention, so I'll recognize just how cool He really is.

Let me explain- the 10 virgins program; that sucker stretched me way beyond my comfort zone. I thought I was being so good and serving just like I was supposed to, even though I didn't necessarily jump for joy about it at first. It was scary. Silly me, I wasn't the one being all righteous and self sacrificing- it was an answer to my prayers. The kind with flashing lights and a neon sign, the kind that I finally pay attention to. Message received.

I learned that I'm supposed to stop worrying about all the stuff I've been nuts about- and just focus on living. And not just any old living- living the gospel kind of living. Sharing my testimony more boldly, and being a living example of it. I'm actually not in a state of limbo, like I whined and complained about being in, and I'm happy to know it.

what's next?

2011-03-12T12:58:00.004-07:00

Ever notice how just when you're doing something really good, really bad things happen. I'm beginning to think maybe I should just stop doing good things altogether.

Good thing: singing solo in our 10 virgins parable for the relief society birthday thing
Bad thing: GIANT hole in the ceiling due to a roof leak

Good thing: running the book fair at Girl Child's school
Bad thing: throwing my back out whilst folding laundry

Good thing: singing a dang solo in our 10 virgins parable for the relief society birthday thing- it so counts twice.
Bad thing: the naughty dog marking his spot on the carpet downstairs- again

Do you see a pattern too? Hopefully they're isolated events and not the start of a trend.

the wide wide world web

2011-03-02T19:19:00.006-07:00

When I really stop to think about it, it almost seems silly to me, narcissistic even, that as I write about my life, my little world here, that anyone would even care to read. Who besides me silently giggles when Girl Child declares she has "outgrown mcdonalds", and who cares that sometimes I worry about strange things, or is singing praises that she's finally having a happy year at school? It's not like I'm doing the world a favor by writing our tales, and spilling my guts to strangers, so to speak.

Then I realized that I have friends whose blogs I read, and I care. and I'm not the only one either. Somehow we form these bonds and friendships, while sharing our tales- even the ones from the dark side- without actually meeting each other.

And you know what else- I look forward to my 'me time' when I can catch up on what's going on in the lives of the people whose blogs I read. So thank you for caring about my junk, and thanks for letting me read your too.

hairapist

2011-02-26T11:59:00.004-07:00

Hairapist: the person to whom you trust all of your hairly beauty, and in whom you can confide your strange beauty worries.

I went to my hairapist yesterday, a change was in order we both agreed. So out came the scissors and about 5 inches of hair came off. I was all excited and twitterpated about spring- obviously a little early, as it is snowing and we're expecting feet- feet I say. But still- I love a new hair done.

*when my computer is playing nice I may even post a picture of the new do

the snapshot that ruined her night

2011-02-23T17:22:00.003-07:00

And here I was thinking that she spent hours reading
too bad the camera woke her up and she had to read for another half-hour to get back to sleep
Bad Mommy

insert snarky title here

2011-02-22T20:55:00.004-07:00

Seriously there are no words. A family in a town about 30 minutes north of me threw their daughter a party for her 6th birthday... and spent $32,000 on it. Yes you read that right.

They were on a show on TLC called over-the-top birthday parties. Um- over-the-top, really, ya think? That's pure insanity, not over the top. Who does this- seriously? I don't care if TLC really did pitch in a little, that's just wrong.

Who has 2,000 guests for a 6 year old's party- what 6 year old even knows 2,000 people? And costumes for them all! I can think of a way better use of 32 grand. Even if I had nothing that I needed it for- I still wouldn't spend it on a birthday party. There's a million things that kind of money could do, how many lives it could save, how many kids it could educate, how many books I could read.

The funny thing- both Schroedad and I asked the same question when we saw this on the news. Smarty Pants: How long does she have left? Schroedad: Is she gonna die? Answer: Nope.

Even if someone offered to throw a party like this for the Girl Child, and I didn't have to pay a dime, I still wouldn't let it happen- not even for a wedding. Because that's just nuts.

2011-02-21T17:48:00.002-07:00

I was enjoying those splendid 3 days of spring. I loves those birds chirping their little spring songs in the naked trees. And the not snow part- that was fantastic. Then outta no where- with little to no warning came 3 days of snow. What gives- gentle breezes? I think Old Man Winter owes me one.

date night breakdown and a failed attempt at sports-writing

2011-02-17T10:43:00.005-07:00

Date night breakdown-
Dinner at Costa Vida- walked in and it was barely sprinkling outside, walked out- blizzard
Everyone's power went out last night, lucky for us we were at the Jazz game, and they have generators- can't interrupt play you know.

We had great seats, lower bowl even. The Jazz bear was exceptionally funny, and it was practically perfect as far as date nights go. But for the annoying girls sitting behind us coaching from the stands the whole game, it would have been.

You know how some people (usually girls) have a tone or pitch when they scream that it just makes you cringe because it's so annoying, and loud. It was especially fantastic since neither of them actually knew the rules and would yell random things that made us all scratch our heads.

I will admit to the snark, we did have so much fun making fun of them that it was almost worth having them behind us, almost.

Don't get me wrong- best date this year, I just feel the need to tell the annoying with the good.

So to the real reason for this whole post- you'll soon see why I'm not a sports writer.

I was under the impression that refs were there for the sole purpose of keeping things from getting out of hand. Making sure the NBA doesn't become the NHL, if you know what I mean. I didn't think it was their job to decide the game- with the whole gambling ref debacle a few years ago I would have thought that some changes would be made to prevent that. Apparently not based on last night. I just have a hard time with the fact that in every quarter both teams were in foul trouble, seriously- more than 40 fouls called in the game. It was far beyond excessive-someone must have had some good odds on the Nuggets is what.

Sure I wish that at least some of C.J.'s 3's would have gone in. Yes I do wish that there wouldn't have been 8,000 turnovers. Yes, I'm sure they're all still reeling from Jerry's sudden departure. But still, it's nice to have someone to blame the loss on, especially a 5 point loss, and the ref's feet are as good a place as any to lay the blame.

I just hope they enjoyed the Utah boo-ing they received- cause we bring the noise people.

confessions of the easily amused

2011-02-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

You know how when you get a chest cold you have a few days of that deeper, sultry, sexyish voice. then a few days later, it's more of the gravelly chain smoker voice. I'm currently at the chain-smoker voice stage. It's sort of funny to hear, especially when I'm deaf in one ear- so I can hear my own voice echo in that ear. I find myself saying stuff out loud just for funsies. That's a pretty sad form of entertainment, I am aware. again with the tmi.

a valentines tragedy

2011-02-15T20:45:00.007-07:00

I know I'm a little late with the Valentineish post, but you already know how I feel about the day in general.

Still, I'll tell you, in more detail than you'd really care to read, just what happened on this day of all romantically laden days.

A treasure hunt is what. I had to find valentine cards, Shrek ones in case you were wondering, I'm still missing one. On said cards were expressions of love, and promises for acts of service. My favorite one of all, "good for one foot rub- both feet" That's generosity people. Especially since I mostly wear flip-flops and my heels are sort of crackly.

One thing that didn't happen, thanks to the mood killer called Girl Child, who popped up out of no where at the most inconvenient of times- I didn't get a good kiss- all day. I'm not talking a quick peck on the cheek either, I'm talking a good kiss where you sort of forget to breathe and stagger away with a silly grin on your face. Now there's a good tragedy, Romeo- Shcmomeo.

5 ramdom things: jr. high edition

2011-02-12T15:37:00.003-07:00

5 reasons I'm glad I'm no longer in jr. high school

1. the awkward valentines dance

2. puberty

3. gum, and other gross stuff, on the bottom of the desk

4. assemblies about not hazing or don't do drugs

5. the smells emanating out of the boy's locker room

apparently I didn't try hard enough

2011-02-08T18:13:00.004-07:00

Some how, and by that, I mean the word 'yes' came out of my mouth when I wasn't looking, I've agreed to something I never thought I'd willingly do. Actually 2 somethings I really didn't ever want to do.

I don't know what possessed me to think it was ok to agree to sing, in public, by myself, but that's what I've agreed to do. When I realized what, exactly, I agreed to, I nearly fell over in one of those dizzycauseiforgottobreathe spells.

I'm more of what you'd consider a shower singer- home exhibition only. And no, the church choir thing doesn't count- cause that's a choir, not a solo. And strangely I feel morally obligated to be in the choir- maybe because my mom was the choir director once?

And worse, this really nice lady called and was chatting to me about the PTA, and she said they were thinking of someone to be on the board and my name came up. Somewhere in between the compliments, and not really understanding what was happening- I became the treasurer for the PTA for next year. I think that was mostly due to my ego being easily inflated that I lost my senses momentarily.

Don't worry, I'll be on my guard from now on. No more fast ones being pulled on me, by those tricky people who I just can't say no to. Dang them for being so nice, and complimentary. I guess I didn't try hard enough during the DARE program.

valentine's day and the pdap

2011-02-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

I wish I could love Valentine's day- but there's this part of me that goes into near convulsive nausea whenever one of those stupid commercials comes on, so I can't. You know the ones, they start with a car and a big red bow, and end with kissing and an air of superiority. I just don't believe that every kiss begins with Kay, more likely miller lite or some other chemical aphrodisiac. kidding. sort of.

When did it turn into an over-commercialized over candied joke? I remember making valentines boxes at school and giving out valentines with he-man or smurfs saying some witty valentines poem about being blue if you aren't my valentine. And you brought a bag of conversation hearts for the whole class to share. Now all of the valentines are made to be attached to a candy bar- sold separately- for each kid in class.

Why did this happen? And more importantly, how did this happen?

I want to love Valentine's day- there's a little romance in this overly-practical girl. I like flowers, just not three times the regular price for one stupid day flowers. I'm all about expressions of love- just not forced, nerve racking expressions of love.

I'll confess something. In high school my friend and I made our own little club- silly I know. It was the PDAP. The public display of affection police. We took it upon ourselves to rid the halls of all gross and overt displays of public affection, we made little yellow felt sheriff's badges and carried squirt guns and everything. Our busiest day of the year was always Valentine's day.

I theorize-

For some reason the boys would cave to the pressure to:
a. get a girlfriend
b. buy that girlfriend gifts

I think it had something to do with the fact the the girls would cave to the pressure to:
a. hold hands
b. kiss a lot

Man I loved squirting the makers-out right in the nose, then watching them sputter all over their partner in crime's face. classic.

A rebel with a half-crap cause so to speak

actual conversation: sick edition

2011-02-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

There is really no need for a preface for the hilariousness you are about to read, other than empty your bladder first.

Girl Child: Mom, that humiliator really worked last night. I didn't cough all night, but my nose was a little stuffy.

Smarty Pants: You mean the humidifier?

Girl Child: Yeah humiliator, humidifier- whatever, it's all the same

Smarty Pants: peed pants

steamy mirror musings

2011-02-01T12:15:00.003-07:00

So I don't think this picture counts for the right out of the showerness, however, there is no makeup on- so it sort of works, because I have a no naked picture policy that I strictly adhere to. It took some time to really decide on which feature I liked the best, mostly cause I was waiting for the steam to clear off of the mirror.

After some deliberation, it was between my eyes and my left cheek dimple, my green eyes won out. I love these green eyes in my head, and the eyebrows above them- they can communicate a host of emotions.

There's the 'mom look' that lets Girl Child, and The Schroedad, know that the limits are being tested. Then there's the come hither look, I'm sure you can use your imagination for that one. And the crazy eyes- that one says 'caution-it's been one of those days'.

These green green eyes can give a look of understanding and sympathy, a look of acceptance and unconditional love. Somehow they say spill your guts, tell me your problems- I'll understand, I won't judge. And that's just what happens, and all I can figure is that it's these eyes that do it. Sometimes they fill with tears, then they're really green, and it's apparent that my heart is full- happy or sad, either way.

Best of all these green eyes crinkle a little at the edges when I smile, and they hold a little sparkle of mischief. Like they're just waiting for a great idea to explode into full mischief mode.

actual conversation: house of horrors edition

2011-01-28T16:44:00.003-07:00

Have you ever seen that show hoarders? It is an instant anxiety attack in a box for me, and every time we go to my in-law's house it's on. I find myself standing in front of the tv with my hands clapped over my mouth gasping, horrified by all of the crap inside one house. I find myself asking, how did her family-who lives inside the house- let this happen? Why don't they just send her out of town and have a giant yard sale or get a dumpster for the weekend?

My mother-in-law tries to calmly explain to me that it's an illness, and they just can't help it. And, while I am perfectly aware of, and considerate towards, mental illnesses I just can't see how it physically happens.

I have a husband and daughter with slightly hoard-ish tendencies, and as much as I love them, our house will never look like that. It just can't- I'd be in a mental institution. So one day, after visiting, I was talking to Girl Child about it, and the following conversation ensued.

Smarty Pants: Aren't you glad you learned how to keep your room clean?

Girl Child: I'm mostly glad that I got my ears pierced, but yeah I like my room clean too I guess.

Smarty Pants: How do you think you'd feel if we lived in a messy house like what's on tv

Girl Child: Well, it'd be ok, but I'd worry if someone tried to rob us.

Smarty Pants: What do you mean?

Girl Child: Well, we don't really have anything worth taking right now, so no one wants to rob us now... but if we got lots of stuff someone might want to steal it.

And the 8 year old does it again- zing.

a letter to the calendar makers of old

2011-01-26T21:43:00.004-07:00

Dear Calendar Makers of Old-

What, exactly, were you thinking when you made January the longest month in the whole year? I'm well aware that other months also have 31 days in them, however, those other months have really great redeeming qualities that make them speed by in the blink of an eye. Take October for example- it's 31st day is a holiday laden with candy, costumes, and the occasional drag queen- that makes everything ok. December, too, has a holiday on the last day, only this one is a little more drag queen and a lot more boozy for most people. Still, a holiday nonetheless. And those warm months don't have to do anything special- they're warm and, therefore, not the worst month of the year, unlike some cold and dragging months aforementioned.

So I vote we take some of those days in January, and give them to June. June is a totally fabulous and deserving month. It's all warm and there's no school, and think of how many more people could get married, and not be stuck with a cold and lame anniversary every year.

Let me know what you think?

Love,
Smarty Pants

p.s. yes I am well aware of the fact that those in the southern hemisphere may not like this plan- but I'm sure in time they could learn to live with it.

i love free, don't you?

2011-01-21T13:36:00.002-07:00

Check this out it's so pretty and it's free.

turns out he can

2011-01-20T14:55:00.002-07:00

A monumental occasion has occurred- remember when I said I've never been surprised since I married the Schroeder? Well, he did it, he went and surprised the crap out of me. It came in the form of a surprise party even.

How's that for skill acquisition? Going from can't keep a secret, to planning & executing a party, all without spilling the beans. Luckily it freaked him out enough that he'll never do that again, and who knows, maybe he'll retain enough of the secret keeping skill to make Christmas presents a surprise.

my birthday is a holiday- seriously it is

2011-01-17T12:41:00.004-07:00

You know why January the 17th is such a great birthday? No, it's not because you'd have to join the polar people club to have a pool party like those June birthday people can. And it's not because you can have your party on any day of the week since it's Summer Vacation like those July and August people can. It's not even because it's right after Christmas no one wants to do a party right after Christmas- especially not me.

It's because in all of my whole educational career, I've only gone to school on my birthday 2 times. Yep, just twice. I love having a birthday that's frequently an observed holiday.

It totally makes up for the fact that my life has not in any way shape or form done what I planned for it to do by the ripe ole age of 30. Those other 3 or 4 kids I'd planned to have, no big deal- my birthday is an observed holiday. Going to dental hygiene school instead of med school, as planned- so what? My birthday is an observed holiday.

See how it goes and makes things just right, that observed holiday birthday. Don't you wish you had an observed holiday birthday too?

why is it?

2011-01-12T12:03:00.003-07:00

Why is it that I get more accomplished on days when I have 97 thousand things to get done, and less on those days when I'm not over scheduled and half past crazy? And while we're on the subject, why is it that one day the Girl Child suddenly wakes up with sass in her pants, where there was only sweet and nice before? Why is it that my dog only barfs inside the house? Do you know?

Maybe it's because she sleeps like this.

in and out of dream land

2011-01-11T18:10:00.006-07:00

Some times I think about weird stuff at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. Last night I was thinking to myself about Oprah. It's crazy how she's this trend setting talk show host, who is sort of trying to take over the world. I mean she went from harpo productions to having her own channel for crying out loud. She's like the emperor and darth vader all rolled into one. I warned you it was crazy at the beginning.

Then I though about when Oprah dies, will there be a 3 day funeral, with a procession that goes all around the country with her embalmed body? Will she be kept in one of those creepy glass caskets on display, like Lenin and Stalin? Weird I know, and potentially a little sick too.

So this led, in my stream of consciousness, to Ryan Seacrest. Is he going to be the next Oprah? Will there be a Ryan's favorite things list? Will he open a school for children, where they'll learn how to have 60 jobs at once? Or is Ryan Seacrest just a puppet whose strings are actually being held by Oprah?

Then I finally manage to turn my brain off, and get to sleep. That's when the really weird stuff happens. Do you ever have dreams that are so vivid that when you wake up you're sure that it actually could have taken place? I do. A lot. Good thing they never actually happen though- or my neighbors would be moving to Virginia to do horse riding competitions, and I love them so. Or worse still, I would be stuck swimming in the ocean- intermittently filled with sharks and jelly fish. Strange right?

I wonder if dreams actually have meanings, not like those dreams where an angel comes to you and gives you a heavenly message, cause I've never had one those, but normal every day meanings- like you're worried about punctuality, or you need to be more organized.

So the point of this whole, write about my crazy brainly workings before I fall asleep, post- is that I need to figure out how to fall asleep faster (before all of this crazy Darth Vader talk can start going) and I need to really just get a good night's sleep for Pete's sake!

End transmission of the crazy channel

new year's resolutions

2011-01-04T22:10:00.002-07:00

I only have 1 this year: Take an afternoon nap whenever the chance presents itself.

That's it. No hugely profound make-overs of my soul (it's a little tired of that sort of thing right now). Just enjoy an afternoon nap, and let the dishes be for another hour, and the laundry stay in its folded- but not put away state a little longer.

wish granted

2010-12-29T16:51:00.005-07:00

Remember this post? The one about my love for these books.

That's what I got for Christmas from my momma. They were on sale, and free shipping, and I'm the luckiest girl on earth. I've already read 2 of them, and my own Girl Child is begging to read the one which bears her own name. I can't yet decide which is my favorite.

It made me think of the movies that have been made of these classic stories, the old versions and the new (clueless doesn't really count though- since it was set modernly and the story irreparably altered, and really step siblings- that's just yucky). I realized that I can't help but have the quality of the movie hold some bearing on which is my favorite story. Sad I know. But Even when I've read them all I still don't know if I could choose a favorite- can there be an 8 way tie?

the thing which I swore I'd never again write of

2010-12-27T17:34:00.005-07:00

A Christmas miracle has taken place, oh, it was a day late- but inspired by Christ himself, so it totally counts.

Before I get to the miracle part, I must confess, I've been quite neglectful of this here piece of the world wide web. Just know-it had to be done, or the most foul, and frankly, pathetic posts would have polluted the internet, of which I may never have regained your respect or kind thoughts again.

The miracle was necessitated by my own contemptuous attitude, and ungratefulness, and luckily I came to my senses and was sufficiently humbled before it was necessary to be compelled to be humbled. Thank Heavens for that.

For 5 glorious days I had my deepest desire granted. There were to be babies at our house, well in all likelihood, just one- but nonetheless, one that would not leave at 5:00 pm. And before I could wrap my happy little head around it, the rug- upon which I was dancing even- was yanked out from beneath me. The weeks ensuing were not pretty. I was not pretty.

And then it was time for the family Christmas party- with all of the extended family, and all of those married nieces & nephews, and all of their babies and pregnant selves. It was hard that night to be happy for Christmas, as hard as that lump in my throat was to swallow- it never really went down all the way that night.

Thankfully we had church the next day, and although I knew I should have petitioned for comfort, I was too proud and angry for that. I was acting like a snotty teenager where my prayers were concerned- giving the silent treatment, when I should have been asking for solace. I don't recall what exactly was said in church, but I felt my Father in Heaven's love- and the spirit of Christmas that was so lacking for me this season. I got up that morning wishing I could take down all of the decorations, glad it was finally over, and came home feeling the love and gratitude for my Savior that this time of year, especially, calls for.

It was a day after Christmas miracle, which is much better than any day after Christmas sale if you ask me.

the year of the never ending truffles

2010-12-14T11:41:00.004-07:00

75* I didn't realize just what a number it is. It's not really a lot of money, unless you're 8 or it's 1860. It is quite an age to reach. It's a C on a test. It's longer that two months. It's how much I spend at Costco every time I go. It's also the number of people for whom I am making Christmas neighbor treats. I didn't realize just how big that number was until I started actually making stuff. It has officially been the year of the never ending truffles.

So I decided to simplify this year. Only 2 things are going out on those neighbor plates, caramels and truffles. Those are my specialties and that's what everyone requests anyway- so it has been decided that there will be no dipping of pretzels, no ginger snap making, and no hot cocoa on a stick.

Now the hard decisions- eggnog or pumpkin for the truffles, and just regular, or regular and licorice caramels, which should I do?

*75 is the sum total of all of the people in the families, I am not crazy enough to attempt 75 individual neighbor gifts. This year anyway

eerily similar

2010-12-08T15:30:00.001-07:00

I love Christmas movies, hot cocoa, blankets, reciting the lines as they're said- the tradition of it all. This year I noticed something- some of the characters look like real people, or do the real people look like the characters? Seriously it's a little eerie. Judge for yourself.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Look-A-Likes:

Sam The Snowman looks like:

Santa looks like:

The Boss Elf looks like:

Hermie The Wanna-Be Dentist looks like:

Yukon Cornelius looks like:

Charlie-In-The-Box looks like:

Dolly-For-Sue looks like:

The Abominable Snowman looks like:

Wilford Brimley

Billy Gibbons (from ZZ Top)

Guy Fieri

Carson Kressley

Monterey Jack

Simon Pegg

The Wendy's Girl

Dave Grohl

Christmas decorating- Charlie Brown edition

2010-12-06T14:59:00.005-07:00

When we first got married, we found a great deal on a fake tree. It was pre-lit and 6.5 feet tall. I loved that tree. Unfortunately it didn't love us- the lights on the top third went out, and then the middle section went out. Being the smart people we are, we promptly returned it and asked to switch it for a non broken one. A week before Christmas.

Too bad for us the Costco was actually out of trees, and had been for weeks. I already said we were Smart, as my moniker would lead you to believe.

So I was a sad and, honestly a little miffed, Smarty Pants that year. Lucky me I have a Schroesanta- who swooped in and saved the day. He found a little tree-after he checked all the stores and even the tree lots, and came up empty. It's a Charlie Brown tree if ever there was one. Judge for yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you. The best part is that on the box, next to the made in China stamp, it said "shinny tree". seriously. It's a running joke now.

Without further ado, I give you the shinny tree

She's a beaut, isn't she. I especially love the 6 inch gap between the bottom and middle sections.
Nice right?

Some how, though, I just can't part with the ugly little bugger. He's grown on me. and The Girl Child did an exceptional job of decorating it this year. She required 'no assistance' this year please. So Schroedad and I just watched, and congratulated her at the appropriate moments, and scratched backs while she did all of the hard work. I think I like that new tradition.

things I learned while traveling

2010-12-03T17:46:00.004-07:00

There are few things that make me cringe more than the words traveling during the holidays. One of them is:4 hour layover, at the McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, NV.

I've come to know that the McCarran airport is literally hell on earth, my version anyway. And the spirit whispered to me it is true.

I have a simple math problem to prove it.

What do you get when you add
1. a wall of glass, untinted, so that lets the maximum amount of retina burning sunshine glare off of the tarmac in.

2.lots of nice airplanes (but never the one that takes you home) flashing by, making the light appear to have a strobe light effect.

3. slot machines, lots and lots of them. All ringing and dinging without stop.

Add all of this together, for 4 mind numbing hours, and it's a seizure waiting to happen, or a nasty migraine in my case.

It's a good thing The Girl Child is such a seasoned traveler, and aware of the rules of traveling. She made the whole experience better with her budding sense of humor, and her mother's snarcastic view on things. Take for example the following conversation.

Schroedad: That lady sitting across from you was totally sizing you up.

Smarty Pants: I didn't notice, I was over here trying not to yak. (see above)

Schroedad: She kept looking at her ring. It was huge.

Smarty Pants: Maybe they just got married here, and she's getting used to it.

Schroedad: Nope, I was listening while I was doing my crossword, and they have kids.

Girl Child- interrupting: So you were eavesdropping?

Schroedad: Yup.

Girl Child: I hear that's rude these days

Perfect comedic timing from the 8 year old.

What- did you think I'd actually post whilst on vacation?

2010-11-26T15:35:00.003-07:00

Well, if you did, you're right.

I'll sneak a quick recap in for all of you who are just dying to know exactly what there is to do in northern Illinois. Short answer: a whole lotta nothing. Unless you count tornado warnings, tornado sightings and The Girl Child freaking out in the basement, then, it's something.

That tornado day, that was probably the most eventful day of the whole trip. Other than that, playing nertz, boot and glove aka hand foot and mouth, whoonu, and a million other games, eating, lots and lots of eating- really good things, too. Oh and movies, lots of movies. I love Thanksgiving, I love a whole week of Thanksgiving even more.

observations in adulthood

2010-11-17T10:01:00.002-07:00

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font, but don't you agree?

4. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

the rules of christmas decorating

2010-11-16T11:36:00.004-07:00

I put up our Christmas decorations today. Yes, I am aware that Thanksgiving has yet to happen, however, I feel justified in doing so, since we are leaving and won't be back until practically December.

I think there's a rule somewhere that says if you are gone for the day after Thanksgiving, when Christmas decorations can legally be put up, that it's ok to have them up before you go. As long as the fall decorations are taken down first, and the Halloween stuff is put all the way away, because really, it's kind of sacrilegious to have those creepy spiders crawling all over the Baby Jesus, but wouldn't you agree?

We're going to Illinois to visit my momma, for 12 whole days. And seeing as we get back on the 29th I felt that it was reasonable to put up Christmas, and have 1 less thing to do when we get home. Still, it seems strange to have all of this stuff up, when it's raining and the leaves are still making their way slowly to the piles on the ground. Strange, but efficient my friends.

a letter

2010-11-15T14:00:00.004-07:00

Dear Schroedad,

I must tell you, that while I am so excited about our trip that I almost can't sleep, I'm also feeling a strange something or other. I don't think I'm hungry, definitely not gassy, just nervous- I think. You see, I've been having strange dreams wherein my beloved child gets kidnapped, or we all get kidnapped, oh, has it been rather exhausting for all the sleep it has involved, and do you realize that we are traveling through some very busy airports?

I know it's such a silly thing, worried over randomly strange stories that run through my head in the night time hours. Especially since the Girl Child, really, is a more seasoned traveler than most kids her age, or your age for that matter, but still- these dreams are freaking me out.

So getting to the point of this whole letterly public display of nervousness, keep an extra close eye on the strange-ish people at the airport for me, please?

Love,
Smarty pants

wherein I run an orphanage

2010-11-12T22:47:00.003-07:00

How to Run an Orphanage
or pretend you're the Duggars on TLC
whichever you prefer
By Smarty Pants

First make sure you have lots of kids, any age will do. Take, for example, the 8 kids I had at my house this morning. A 10 year old, two 8 year olds, a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, a baby of 11 months, and a baby of 8 months.

To begin, you should agree to have your brother's kids stay over, on a school night if possible, so he & his wife can go to a nice hotel. Veterans day discount you know. Make sure you have a pack & play or other sort of crib for the baby.

Then you watch four extra kids that don't belong to you, on very short notice. Next add your own kid to the mix, and voila- an orphanage.

Honestly- I was insanely happy, and a little crazy, to have all of those kids. Why is that, do you think? I'm sure no one spiked the punch, I've not had a head injury recently, and I'm not taking any medications. I really have no logical explanation. But, I wasn't sad to see them go either- so that must prove my sanity, right?

actual conversation

2010-11-08T14:56:00.004-07:00

Mischief & Sass- that's what those eyes are planning

When The Girl Child was 3 she cut her own hair, her long beautiful almost to her behind, hair. She gave herself what could only be described as a mullet, a very long in the back/short in the front, mullet.

She chopped the sides of her hair, and there was nothing to be done but give her the little pixie hair cut. You know the kind- it's so cute, but only while it's that length. Once it starts growing out it's not so much cute, as it is scraggly.

Upon talking to her about hair cutting, this conversation actually took place.

Smarty Pants: Em, only people who've been cutting hair for a long time, and have gone to school and practiced, can cut hair.

The Girl Child: But mom, I've been practicing my whole life.

Now imagine it with a darling little lisp, that 'practicing' sounds a whole lot cuter- but doesn't it?

There was nothing to do but giggle, while trying to keep a straight face. I didn't succeed. She cut her own hair a few more times after that, although never so drastically.

We finally got her to stop by telling her if she did it again, she'd have to get her hair cut like Daddy's. She wasn't in love with the idea of the buzzer with the #2 guard on it coming at her head. I'm really glad too, that would have been awful to follow through on.

an ipod and truffles to be given

2010-11-04T16:14:00.006-06:00

Emma's costume- cutest ipod ever
She came up with it on her own, clever girl.

I know I'm exceptionally lame for taking this long to choose a winner, but trust me when I say you wouldn't have wanted any thing sent to you from my house last week anyway.

Without further ado, the winner drawn from the bowl of fate is- Karen. Just be happy I didn't enforce the idea from Schroeder's comment on said post.

Wait- there's more- seeing as I make the truffles in gigantic batches, and I'm sending some to both of my brothers that are far far away anyway- everyone else, yes all 3 of you, get some truffles too.

They're just not winning truffles. They're giftish truffles? Or some other, more appropriately named, type of package of deliciousness in the mail.

Email me your addresses and I'll ship those suckers to you next week, except Keri- I'll just walk them over.

questions with no answers

2010-11-01T20:34:00.003-06:00

I have some questions, but no one- not even my mom- has the answers.

Questions like- Why is barf always red, stain your carpets, takes 5 cleanings to get it out, red?

And how is it, if you are the unfortunate victim of getting barfed on, your outer layer of clothes stays relatively clean-ish, and you end up with you underwear, unexplainably, full?

How does every illness that the Girl Child catches- ends up falling on a holiday?
thankfully here in mecca we celebrated said holiday on saturday is all I have to say.

Why is it that barf always starts in the middle of the night- right during my prime sleep hours, does it know how to tell time?

Can you guess what I was doing at 1:30 this morning?

*a better post, and pictures of the ipod costume to come- when the barf leaves. over and out

Things that should stay

2010-10-29T10:31:00.003-06:00

You know that game I have- things that must go? Well I have another version for you today, it's Things that should stay. I'm sure you all have your lists too, of those things that just make life a little nicer. I know you're thinking of them in your head- I'll wait.

Girl child going to bed nicely- that definitely should stay for a long time, or at least until she moves out.

Mirror notes- I love writing on the mirror with dry erase markers, especially since I can't ever find a pen, or blank paper

Those really great ideas that pop right into my head while I'm in the shower- especially since I now write them on the mirror and actually remember them

And speaking of showers- nice hot showers at the end of the day- then I can get into bed all snuggly, and my sheets are perfectly chilly and the pillow is just the right degree cold. The cold side of the pillow is a luxury unto it self, but don't you agree?

Compliments about my brains or otherwise genius self- not that compliments in the form of 'you look nice' aren't accepted too. It's just that the ones about my brains are so much more appreciated.

a giveaway- but not mine

2010-10-29T10:27:00.001-06:00

go here You'll be glad you did when you see the shoes

an explanation and a giveaway

2010-10-27T13:34:00.003-06:00

It's 1:35 pm and there is snow- on the ground, all sticking like, with no plans to melt. And here I was, just saying how it finally felt like fall, sweaters and flip-flops and all- then out of nowhere we have snow. ummm- I think winter is getting a little ahead of itself, and I don't think I'm too pleased either. I'll let you know when I decide.

So on to the real reason for this post. Jen convinced me I should give away a sampling of my tiny truffles, twisted my arm right into it I tell you. Ok- so maybe it was just a suggestive comment, but still she's the reason- so thank her if you win.

Seeing as I have no idea how to do this whole giveaway thing; what conditions to place upon it, what hoops to make you jump through, I'll keep it simple. Leave a comment saying that you'd actually like to try them and I'll make the Schroedecider pick a name from a bowl. Easy enough right?

And now for the explanation, indicated in the title. It's about the hovercraft- what a story- it goes like this, with only minor embellishments- for entertainment's sake only though.

Once upon a time a young man was talking to an old farmer- the young man totally gets the old farmers, seeing as he is one- at heart anyway. The old farmer takes the young man on a walk of the farm, and lo and behold, there was a hovercraft sitting.

Being the Y chromosomed being that he is, he ogled and admired said hovercraft. So the old farmer generously offered the hovercraft to the young man, free of charge. And so the young man dragged that sucker home, hoping to gain forgiveness from his lovely and kind wife, seeing as he failed to chat with her about such and acquisition- it was free of charge after all.

She forgave him, but, occasionally and very silently, she loathes the hovercraft in private. Cursing it's state of in- between-motors-at-the-time, and it's lack of motivation to even find one. But sometimes, especially at Christmas, the lovely and tolerant wife actually likes the old thing. Mostly due to it's usefulness as a decoration, and because it's Christmas, good will to all, and such.

And now you know the story of the hovercraft that sits in my garden, and how it came to be- at my house anyway. I don't know how it got to the old farmer's house, or what his wife thought about it either.

the things fall brings

2010-10-23T10:04:00.006-06:00

It finally feels like fall- the leaves are starting to pile up and it's the perfect shade of cloudy.

My pumpkins are just the right color for picking (yes that is a hovercraft sitting in my garden) It's practically the perfect time of year.

And best of all- I think I just found a venue in which to sell my tiny truffles. Pumpkin and cookies & cream for now, then after I perfect them, eggnog and wassail too. It was one of those happy accidents- serendipity I believe it's called.

Boxes- pretty little boxes. I need to find some to package those tiny truffles in. Maybe plain white boxes with ribbon tied on. what do you think? Oh the possibilities. I love the sparkly nesting and cooking feelings that fall brings. The ideas that suddenly pop into my brain- visions of sugar plums even!

It makes me wonder why my brain is so much more active in the fall-ish times. Do you know? I sure don't- but I've learned not to look a good idea horse in the mouth, or however that expression goes.

golf lessons

2010-10-22T22:53:00.000-06:00

* warning, the following contains heavy sarcasm, and is a joke loosely based on an actual conversation. And I truly do love those teens of the '00's

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been too busy judging the youth of today. The problem, as everyone knows, is that the youth of generation "next" (and you know who you are) are only concerned with having fun. Since when was life fun, I'd like to know? Since when was work an entertaining romp? Since never.

Mary Poppins tried to sell us that bill of goods 40 years ago, but most of us were smart enough to know better. But not the youth of today. Everything is fun, fun, fun. Everything is a circus with free, limitless pony rides. With their texting and their youtube shows, I tell you! Well, anyway.

The thing that really bothers me about this listless, vile generation is that they have no concept of winning. They have yet to learn a valuable lesson: that winning is everything. I hate it. Work and winning go hand and hand, but don't tell that to the teens of the 00's, with their Rihanna and their krump dancing.

Perfect example: The youth playing indoor mini-golf. As the lone winning-minded adult on my team I felt I had the duty to teach them about winning. But no- they were all cheering for the other teams and high fiving their mistakes away with some good natured ribbing thrown in for good measure. They weren't learning about real life. But they were sure having fun! Even the other leaders were embracing this whole new 'lets just play for fun attitude'. Big enablers.

I don't know what to do about the youth of today. It makes me sick even thinking about it. Do you have any ideas? What's that? Paper routes? That's so 80's. What else? Free car washes? Good luck! They just make fun posters and soak each other with suds. I give up.

I'm not angry, just disappointed. Well, I'm like 60% angry and 40% disappointed. I bet forty years from now our President will be some Red Bull addict who sits at home playing Garage Band. It's basically the apocalypse. Sound bleak? Well, don't kill the messenger.

not in the literal sense

2010-10-17T20:19:00.006-06:00

I've been worrying for more than a week. Sick in my stomach, can't think of anything else- but don't want to think of 'it' kind of worrying.

It was hinted that (potentially) The Girl Child had bipolar disorder. So many of the symptoms fit, stupid red-flag check list. A few weren't quite right, though. I've been going crazy waiting for, and dreading, the appointment- the one that I was expecting would doom us to a lifetime of medications and I don't know what else.

I've seen bipolar disorder, and it's so hard to watch. The spiraling depression, the loss of control. I didn't want that for The Girl- a burden too hard to bear.

Turns out it was nothing of the sort- thank heavens for professionals, is all I have to say. Abandonment fears, and separation anxiety. Totally treatable, and fixable, and disgustingly easy when compared to the alternative.

Turns out I'm not barmy after all, well not in the literal sense anyway.

random facts: halloween edition

2010-10-14T11:25:00.005-06:00

My head is full of useless trivia and facts, well sometimes it's useful, but not that often. I have this weird knack for remembering completely random facts, but not peoples names or appointment times or anything important like that.

I've compiled my list of favorite Halloween random facts for your reading pleasure.

Ireland is typically believed to be the birthplace of Halloween

The first Jack O’Lanterns were actually made from turnips.

According to Irish legend, Jack O’Lanterns are named after a stingy man named Jack who, because he tricked the devil several times, was forbidden entrance into both heaven and hell. He was condemned to wander the Earth, waving his lantern to lead people away from their paths.

Samhainophobia is the fear of Halloween- apparently some people take the pranks too far and scar their siblings for life.

My favorite Halloween movies

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Edward Scissorhands

actual conversation

2010-10-11T20:51:00.004-06:00

Schroeder: Hey, Babe- would you need a centrifuge for anything?

Smarty Pants: Um, no... Why?

Schroeder: I was just checking, I found one for ten bucks

My friend told me when she was first married she had dreams/nightmares that her husband would cheat on her. He never did.

My dreams/nightmares are that Schroeder brings home some new, and ridiculously unnecessary thing which he will never part with again. My Schroesband has hoarder like tendencies, and this very well could happen.

9 /10 ain't bad

2010-10-10T20:53:00.005-06:00

My brain child was born, well one of them anyway, it was a long and very intensive gestation and labor, like that of an elephant. The pumpkin truffles are perfected, 9 out of 10 tasters agree.

I've been stewing on these babies for nearly a year, and working obsessively all week. Trying different variations, a pinch more of this, a lot less of that, white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate. White, definitely, white.

You'd think after all of that hard work I'd at least take a picture of 1 of my babies, alas, I was too overcome to think of the camera at a moment like that.

So now, I'm even starting to contemplate selling my truffle babies (wassail, and eggnog are nearly ready). I even have the perfect name- wait for it- Tiny Truffles. It makes a sparkly vision in my head when I say it. Tiny Truffles- see there it is again.

All I need is just a few elves to do the hard labor, for free, and someone who can design a cute logo. Maybe the tooth fairy, or the Easter Bunny- it's his off season you know.

I think I would actually do it if I were more of a risk taker, but I speak safety and security, not entrepreneur or small business loan. I need to learn a few more languages apparently- why not French, too, while I'm at it?

*No testers, or animals, were harmed in the making of this product

Things that must go

2010-10-07T21:44:00.003-06:00

It's time again to play one of my favorite games: Things that must go. The short, but random list of annoying things that just shouldn't be.

1. The sprinklers turning on mid-shower, decreasing the water pressure to a trickle- making it impossible to rinse all of the shampoo out. Yeah- that's gotta stop.

2. Standing water in the shower, and no draino in the house, so it's in that state for a few days. It really limits just how long one can stand under the running water, before it spills over the edge and turns the bathroom floor into a pool.

3. Being otherwise occupied when the cleaning/organizing mojo turns on. It's a fickle thing, the mojo. It must be seized when the opportunity arises, it doesn't wait for the busy.

no reason

2010-10-05T16:16:00.004-06:00

Often times, for reasons unknown to even myself, I'll find myself thinking about jobs. Ones that I would not be a good fit for, ones that I would so rock at, and just in case I ever find myself in a position where I am offered said job, I'll be prepared with my answer without having to think about it. (Like a majority of my thoughts, this doesn't actually serve a purpose.) I'm sure you're wondering just exactly wouldn't I be good at- and not wanting to come off as egotistical, I'll leave you with the list of jobs I'd suck at:

President of the United States- I would veto things just for the sake of stamping a giant NO on it. And also I would blow off dumb meetings to play hide and seek in the White House. And I would be painfully honest and probably tell "important" people how truly unimportant they are, potentially starting WW3

Proctologist- behinds are gross

Podiatrist- same as above, except feet- feet are yucky

Sportscaster- I don't really love sports and I'd just play with the screen pen thing on people's faces- goatees, horns, handlebar mustaches, and the like

DJ- I'd only play music I liked- none of that lame crap

Game show host- I hate seeing people uncomfortable, so if they didn't know the answer I'd randomly blurt it out

Traffic cop- I'd make rude people wait an extra long time, just to teach them about considerate driving and some patience

Anything on an aircraft carrier- I watched this show called Carrier on PBS, and boy did that teach me that I'd never make it there. The deck gets up to 140 F- I'd be on break all of the time, too hot. They have to save all of the garbage until they stop at a port- smelly. There's really nothing I'd be good at there.

Lucky for me, I'm not often approached out of the blue and offered random jobs in which I have absolutely no experience. It's probably not a coincidence, either, that I selected jobs that have relatively high levels of pressure upon job performance, either. I'm all about keeping the expectations low, or at least not too high, so I don't disappoint anyone.

Found

2010-10-04T12:59:00.006-06:00

Those pumpkins- they are smug vegetables if there ever were. While I was lamenting my lack of a garden- they were sneakily growing themselves into the best hiding spots they could find. Only to surprise me with their very existence. There they dangle, looking ever so pleased with themselves about that trick- and the cracked window too, I suppose.

How did he know that's exactly how I'd feel?

2010-10-01T14:26:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I used to wonder; if Schroeder and I got divorced- but still cohabited, (aka "shacked up") while one or more of us abused illegal substances, had no job or way to support a family- if we'd magically get pregnant. It seems that's a recipe often used these days. And BAM! Out of no where Isaiah tells me this is true. Only he says it in more biblical terms. Jacob 22/Isaiah 54

"Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child; for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord- For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer"

See- he totally knew. It's a good thing the last half is there, or I just might have become as the desolate, noted above, totally saved me some serious repenting.

eventually

2010-09-30T11:57:00.004-06:00

I have this list of things- well I have lots of lists, I love lists. But this list in particular, it's not a bucket list, or anything dramatic like that- it's my "I'll get around to it, eventually" list

You know that list of things, the ones that never quite get done? They never move to the top of the list, and maybe, just maybe, one day might get checked off. (If the wind conditions are just right and there is a full moon or some other cosmic anomaly, that all come together by happen-chance.) Like waxing that hair between your eyebrows- you know it needs to get done, but somehow it gets put off for one more day, until you look like Bert, then finally you get to it.

Yes, that list. Mine seems rather long recently. It's also taking many more mundane chores into it's ranks. Must remedy. Tomorrow.

Thankfully it's not gotten to the point that taking a shower or other personal hygiene practices are on this list.

Things that must go

2010-09-29T18:08:00.003-06:00

I have a new game to play- it's called things that must go

1- annoying commercials blaring louder than the tv show you were watching moments ago
2-random trash in the back seat of the car- that I didn't put there, but somehow get stuck cleaning out
3-rude ladies who yell at me for leaving kids in the car- when I walk the 5 feet to be a responsible shopper and put the cart away, while she leaves her's in the parking lot

That is all for today

Really bad pictures from a really great concert

2010-09-27T21:10:00.004-06:00

I give you: Really bad picture #1

Can you see that it's supposed to be a stage with a band on it? I know, all I see is fuzzy outlines of high-school kids smashed closer than should be physically possible too. I really want to know how they all didn't die of asphyxiation- there were some majorly smelly, sweaty teenage boys. yuck. double yuck. It reminded me of home in a sad smelly sort of way. Ending up with 5 brothers will do that to a girl.

Really bad picture #2

This one, I admit, is worse- if there could be a better/worse in this scenario. But, seriously, it looked really cool in person.

The Band: Phoenix
The Venue: In the Venue
The Partner in Crime: Q-Town, herself

The sad thing is that there were more high school students there than I expected. Somehow, magically I did not feel old or out of place- mostly because there were parents there with their high school kids, mortifying them and practically ruining their lives, I'm sure.

thankful thoughts

2010-09-24T13:15:00.004-06:00

Resurrection Lilly- Elizabeth's favorite flower

I have this friend, she's amazing, my Elizabeth- she was like my umbrella that I held tight to through my own personal hurricane.

A counselor, and consoler- she listened, and taught me to really listen, not just hear. She taught me about being a good mom, and how to love people- flaws and all. She taught me how to make, and properly enjoy, jambalaya and et-tu-fe, and beignets

Then she moved, and I cried. But I still remember all that she taught me, and I still call her for advice.

Elizabeth is who I want to be like when I grow up someday.

Hair done

2010-09-23T10:49:00.003-06:00

There it is folks- my hair, curled even- a miracle, I know.

Did you know that you can curl your hair with a flat iron? Well, I can't, but other people can. It seems a little counter intuitive- curling with a flat iron- but that is how that head of hair do was done.

shameless plugs

2010-09-20T22:37:00.006-06:00

I'm sure you've all been wondering just what happened to Jess, or maybe even I miss that Smarty Pants something fierce. Well I wish I has some fabulously dramatic story to tell you, one that involves hospitals or ambulances or maybe a house fire or something equally juicy. Sorry, I've just been busy/lazy.

I know that was a bit oxymoronic, as opposed to just plain old moronic, but the days were so busy that I'd fall into a sleep-like stupor in the evenings, leaving nothing for my computer. It was as if I'd suddenly confessed to an affair with the internet and was forced to quit cold-turkey. Lucky for you, bad habits don't die that easily for me.

SO my first shameless plug, see Lisa- I do want to win that gift card to Amazon, I need some new reading material, is to rename a blog as the old title no longer applies. Hallelujah! Go check her out and give her a new moniker to be known by.

My second shameless plug, which isn't really a plug at all, is for my little brother- who is currently residing at the MTC in Provo, UT.

He is supposed to be going to Mexico City, Mexico- but is re-assigned to St. George (hehe) until the visa issues get worked out. Apparently it involves a potential visit to the consular, which sounds cool- but I'll bet it's really just waiting in lots of lines to get a stamp or something ridiculous. So if you know anyone in the Mexican consulate who could expedite this process- feel free to shamelessly plug away.

End of unabashed advertisement transmission

p.s I did get my hair cut- there was lots of hair on the floor when she was done, but somehow she kept most of the length. More tomorrow, potentially a picture.

the image says it all

2010-09-16T14:59:00.004-06:00

You know what I love? I love it when I have an idea for a really great blog post buzzing around in my little head and somehow I can get it from my brain matter parts to my arm parts and out my fingerly parts.

Lately though, I'll have a great idea, start writing- only to have it vaporize in my head before it can get to my fingerly parts. I really hate that, cause then I'm stuck with a so-so post, then as soon as I push publish I think of some far better and funnier way that I could have phrased something. Then it's all I think about at night when my brainly parts should be shutting off. Why do I do this? I don't know either.

How do you people make your fabulous posts so polished and eloquent? It eludes me like cruel game of hide and seek. BAH!

take me to the zoo- or the fair will do

2010-09-16T14:16:00.004-06:00

The day before today The Girl Child laced up her filthiest tennis shoes and went on a field trip to the state fair, all to see the huge display of ribbon winning cows, and their poop.

And there were cows galore, on account of the FFA. There one that was as huge as the inside of a ford focus, one that was tall and skinny. There were horses, and goats and bunnies, and a crocodile that you had to pay ten bucks to see.

Well ten bucks is a lot to pay to see a crocodile, I mean we could go to the zoo and see lots of animals for ten bucks. Now if there were a bearded lady, or the man with webbed hands I may have paid to see that- but probably not.

Too bad she got sick and had to come home early- now I'll never know if, in fact, there were any other great attractions at the fair. And there was no time for cotton candy. I think it's a rule or something that cotton candy must be consumed at the fair, or the universe is thrown cataclysmically out of balance. If the world suddenly ceases, I'm sorry- and I blame the cotton candy

My own kind of super-hero

2010-09-15T19:49:00.003-06:00

Not to brag or anything, but it is my blog so I can, I just need to let it be known that today I was like a freaking super-hero.

No I wasn't taming a panther, or wearing a tight green body suit with matching boots. Nothing like that.

I just got an insane amount of stuff done today, all while watching a friends sick-ish baby. I know right. Laundry: washed, folded, put away. Dishes: done, twice. Floors: clean.

And my piece de resistance (imagine all of the little marks above the vowels ok?) Dinner. Not just any dinner either. Roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, 2 kinds of squash, perfectly roasted green beans, and gingerbread cake with peaches and cream for dessert.

I ate it before I thought to take pictures of said wonder, but trust me when I tell you- it was good.

Now stop imagining me squished into that tight green costume, and let me tell you about how all of a sudden I'm feeling quite nesting-ish- with the impending change of season. And not just things like get out the fall decorations, and actually putting them up this year. Although that is one of the things I'm getting all sparkly nesting feelings about. I also am thinking I should do something new with my hair.

I get this feeling every season change- I always wish for bangs for precisely 1 minute, and then remember my forehead issue- you know the size of a jolly rancher, therefore not fit for bangs. Alas, I don't know what to about this . At the first whiffs of summer I want to chop it all off and let my neck breathe that sweet summer air, and be free from gross beads of sweat that comes with long hair. What actually happens is that I settle for a ponytail, every livin day, all summer long. That's my version of compromise, not making a decision and dealing with the consequences.

So back to my hair-nesting-decision-making-incapability story, I think I'm going to take my chances, and turn my hair over to a professional for the decision making process. Have your way with me hair person- just my hair though.

2010-09-13T15:46:00.003-06:00

emma & pumpkins- 7 years ago

It's nearly time to harvest the only thing that grew in our garden this year. Seriously, just the pumpkins. Nothing else, really.

Not a single squash, or cucumber to speak of. Nary a pepper in sight. And oh, my purple beans that never were, how I missed roasting you. I'm sure if we could stand tomatoes, and planted some, they would have failed miserably too.

Last year I was quite smug about all of my green thumb-ness, I have since repented.

Dr. Seuss on politics

2010-09-12T21:52:00.001-06:00

I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan ,
I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN'.
I do not like this spending spree---
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
Go green - recycle Congress in 2010!

actual conversation

2010-09-11T12:17:00.005-06:00

Emma, contemplating eating a not-quite-ripe apple. Decided against it- to avoid getting her dress dirty. Priorities

Emma: Mom- can we move back to Illinois? There just isn't anything that great here. I miss living by Grammy and my friends out there

Mom: Sorry Emma- there's this great thing here called dad's job- and there aren't really any jobs near Grammy.

Emma: Who needs a job- I just want to play all the time.

And that, my friends, is why we need to do a better job at teaching her about money and bills and house payments and things. One day, sooner rather than later, probably.

rosebud lips

2010-09-07T22:48:00.004-06:00

She has the prettiest little lips I ever did smooch (sorry Schroedad- it's true), I'm one lucky mama! Thankfully she no longer gives slug-kisses, you know the kisses of a 9 month old with the tongue hanging out and drool all over the place? I'm really glad she out grew those.

The story of why I no longer go to the football games

2010-09-04T14:17:00.003-06:00

Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story- Mark Twain

The first summer after Schroeder and I were married he offered to take me to a BYU football game. I acquiesced- and now I don't go anymore.

We had really good seats, thanks to uncle Russ and his 4 sets of season tickets, the problem was not with where we were sitting, it was the people behind us. Picture the meanest old grumpy guy that you know, and grumpify him a million more times.

Some people are not aware that there is a boundary of space, a bubble if you will, that surrounds other people and that it should not be crossed, smashed or otherwise damaged. The man sitting behind me was one of those unaware people.

I endured the knobby knees in the center of my back for more than half of the game, the other half I was being yelled at by him.

Every time the Cougs got within 15 yards of the end-zone everyone would stand up, making it necessary for me to stand up as well, which then earned me a yank on the back of my shirt and an angrily yelled "DOWN IN FRONT".

Right, like me sitting down is somehow magically going to enable you, grumpy Gus, to be able to see the field, through all of the other people's behinds who are standing up too.

I don't think I've ever felt so negatively about an old person, aside from driving behind one, in my whole livin' life. And these were season tickets people. I'm positive I don't possess the will power not to say excessively snarky and sassy things to my elders, for a whole season in front of that guy.

So that game I endured: the sun in my eyes, a hard seat for my bum- since I didn't know about the chair renting thing, the grouchy man's knees in my back- and him yelling at me, and my husband looking at me funny and then pretending not to know me when I accidentally cheered for the wrong team- it was only once though.

After that I told him we'd have a better marriage if he took a friend from then on. And the nice thing is, is that we do. I happily oblige to become a football widow for the season, if I never have to do that again.

false finishes

2010-09-03T22:19:00.003-06:00

The three musketeers

The cousins are the siblings she's always wanted. They're her "BFF's forever"- somehow I think the 'BFF' was lost in translation. And they're having a sleepover in a tent in their backyard- the last of the season, also the first- but who's counting. I'm not so sure that any of them will last the whole night outside, as we've had 3 near abandonments of the tent already, we'll see.

Cautiously optimistic, that's where I stand for now.

a word aptly spoken

2010-08-31T17:26:00.002-06:00

Mediocre

I know it's not a very impressive word, and all too often it's misunderstood- like a 16 year old girl, misunderstood. Usually people equate this word with less than stellar performance, a half-hearted try, only so-so.

I'm here to inform you that my word- to describe me is so much more than a job poorly done.

Literally it means half way up the mountain, it comes from the Latin mediocris. This word doesn't describe how far I have to go, or how much more I have to do. It tells how far I've come- halfway there- on my way to the top is better than standing at the bottom, looking up and refusing to try.

I am mediocre, hear me roar

invasion of the body snatchers

2010-08-29T23:41:00.005-06:00

See those eyes- they keep her out of a lot of trouble- only that's the trouble you know? What do you do with a suddenly super sassy girl? I particularly liked that bit of alliteration there, it was good- no?

Why is it that whenever there is something new, like a new school year for instance, she feels this impulse to test all of the boundaries? Sorry kiddo- bed time can't be eleven o'clock at night, due to the fact that you are eight and have to go to school (I can stay up that late because I'm twenty-nine, and can maybe squeeze in an afternoon nap). No you can't have marshmallows for dinner, those vegetables are what's for dinner. Sorry darling you can't drive the car either.

I feel like all I say lately is "no, umm no, and you heard my answer, it's still no"- and I dont' really like it. Yes is such a good word- yes you can do your homework, sure feel free to tidy up your room, of course you can play- as soon as your jobs are done and yes I love you more today than I did yesterday.

I'm hoping we can settle into a routine of normalcy soon, without the sass and drama that currently invades our house like swine flu, or possibly body snatching aliens.

old-monia

2010-08-27T17:43:00.004-06:00

Me at Girls Camp, no reason.

For your information: ulcers + asthma noes not = pneumonia

It does, however, equal pain. Also taking mucinex for a chest cold that you don't have, can give you a belly ache. Add ibuprofen to the already precarious mix and voila~ ulcer flare up, or some such painful burning in the gut and chest area thing.

And lucky you, I won't even charge you a $40 co-pay. How's that for generosity? Charitable and nice and all, but don't you agree?

There is some good that came from all this: it was not in fact pneumonia so I am all set to hang out with Mommy Motherington -her rightfully earned title- it's kind of like a duke or an earl, you know.

Seeing as I have so very much planned- being quarantined from her would ruin all of said carefully laid plans. Can't have an icky sicky around the immuno-compromised, or so they say. What do those oncologists know anyway, right? Actually a lot more than I do, so I'd better listen for Motherington's sake.

End information transfer.

*I cannot be held accountable for what is contained in this post as my newly acquired medicine makes me feel like I've ingested 45 red bulls all at once. Salt, people, and more then just a grain.

more bang 4 my buck

2010-08-26T20:34:00.002-06:00

How is it that such a small fringe of hair can make such a difference?

All of a sudden she looks older- more third grade she says- I'm not so sure I like these new bang things.

Big Baby: world traveler

2010-08-25T22:14:00.005-06:00

Heber Valley, Ut
Big Baby with Eddie- they're practically twins, can't you see the resemblance?

The 2nd counselor in our bishopric happily consented to having his picture made with Big Baby

ecxitement induced insomnia

2010-08-23T12:54:00.004-06:00

This could quite possibly be an exaggeration, but I was up all night long- now don't go thinking this a post about marriedly doings, cause it's definitely not.

It's about the problem of insomnia, not my insomnia either. It was all the Girl Child's insomnia that keeps me up.

The Girl Child was so excited about the first day of school that she put herself to bed at 8:00. Then she woke up at 11- and stayed awake until 2- am. 2 am people. I wasn't very happy to hear- "mom is it morning yet?" every 5 minutes, but I was glad that to hear that she's excited for school. I was gladder when she finally fell back to sleep.

She popped right out of bed, wanted to skip breakfast, ready to go to school an hour early. Apparently the middle of the night wandering didn't interfere with the pep she had going on. It messed with mine.

It's officially the end of summer vacation. unofficially there's still a lot to pack into the rest of the summer.

Thank heaven for little girls

2010-08-17T21:34:00.006-06:00

One of the girls quoted me on the table of fame-and maybe drew a picture of me too, I'm not sure?

And it came to pass that we created. In the first hour we made hair flowers. And it was good. In the second hour we cut fabric and made hair clips. And it was good. And in the seventh hour I rested, they played Mario. And it was good.

Can you tell I'm still on a crafting kick from girls camp? Em and Lys were crazy crafters today, one project right after another. They had some good ideas for Christmas gifts too. I nearly choked when they said the Christmas word- we're still in the throes of summer, and they're planning Christmas already. Apparently I'm not the only one who is a little OCD with the planning stuff.

I think we're trying for fitting all of summer into this last week. And I think if we sit on it and jump a little while we zip, it just might work.

Big Baby: post script

2010-08-17T21:28:00.004-06:00

Our prize for sewing 13 hearts.

The other wards made 273. each
We had crafts to do people. cute ones.
and we are not motivated by competitions, see above as to why.

p.s.
I think I may have inadvertently made you think that this was not a good prize, oh but it was, it was the best prize of all. It was given to us by one of the stake because she knew we'd love him and take good care of him. So she made up the award and gave us the baby. He is coveted by all.

*Lightning has struk my brain

2010-08-16T18:06:00.006-06:00

Some things I learned at girls camp, in no particular order:

The leaders are always chattier late at night than the girls- who knew?

Our camp director is the craftiest person I've ever met, I love her.

I love doing crafts, when I don't have to come up with the ideas (see above).

Beehives are very darling and very excited!!

Mia Maids and Laurels are very darling, but much more subdued in their excitement.

You have to watch out for the quiet ones.

Even speaking at church is worth it, if I get to go to girls camp. maybe.

I love girls camp, don't love the prep work, but love girls camp.

There is no such thing as too many swedish fish, until there is, you know?

'The cat came back' will never leave your head once you sing it. It get's trapped in your head and stuck on repeat, it's a good thing you do the fun hand slap thingy to the chorus is all I can say.

Sharpies + table paper= hours of entertainment

We had the best skit, even though they were all lip syncs really, ours was definitely the best.

A grown up should have proofed the song choices, since the YCL who did the choosing probably did not know the meanings behind most of the songs she chose (don't stop believing? seriously?).

My most brilliant discovery at camp:

I now know what makes childhood magical- I'll impart my knowledge freely. The magic of childhood is just showing up for stuff and having fun, childhood is gone when you are in charge of the preparation- and can no longer just show up for the fun.

p.s. *please tell me that you know what movie that is from! I'll love you even more- I promise

In case you wondered where I've been

2010-08-14T16:29:00.004-06:00

I am tired, bone deep, exhausted, body-won't-follow-brain's-instructions-tired. Girls camp is the reason for my current state of being. Who knew it would be the leaders that would be the ones keeping everyone up at night? I thought for sure I'd have to do some after hours shushing. I never dreamed that I'd be the one being shushed. And just when we'd get our paroxysms of laughter under control- someone would say something funny and we'd be off again- giggling uncontrollably.

Oh, I must tell you about the hill. We lived in the cutest cabin at the top of the hill. We ate most of our meals at the pavilion at the top of the hill, but all of the meetings were at the bottom of said hill. It was steep, and long, and we had to walk down and back up it about a million times a day. I came to hate the dang hill. At first, I would say to myself, self, this hill will make your bum look awesome- so suck it up and maybe even run a little. By the end I said to myself, self, I loathe this hill and I refuse to walk it again today, inevitably the hill required more trips down and back up. It must not have had the proper sacrifices made unto it, is all I can figure.

And now that I'm home from camp I see that my worries have only grown. The funny thing is, is that before I left I was worried about my 1 pre-teen daughter, and all of the complicated emotions that entails, and now I've come home with 11, full blown teenage kids, that I love and will now worry about. It's strange how that happens.

I have so many swirling thoughts in my head, things I learned by watching the girls, and things I learned about myself. But those have to be for another day because I need a nap. A well earned nap I might add, since the camping gear is put away-mostly- and the laundry has all been washed.

pre-teen jitters

2010-08-06T21:32:00.002-06:00

I'll be honest, I'm a little nervous. Girls camp is next week, and I've left Emma before, even for this long- something is just different this time. Maybe it's because she doesn't have the routine of school to keep busy with, or maybe it's because she's been asking for a bra lately and seeming so much more grown up than I really am comfortable with- I can't pin-point the difference.

She has suddenly entered that tween age, not a little girl but not a teenager (thank heavens for that!) and she's obsessed with all things grown-up-ish. I'm not ready for bra talk, let alone period questions. I still want 'if the sky is blue and the sun is yellow, why isn't the air green?' not 'why do people have babies?' (all actual questions she has asked).

How did this happen, and more importantly- what do I do? How do people successfully raise daughters, and see them through the teenage years? I'm woefully unprepared!
Someone should write a book or something.

2010-08-04T23:36:00.003-06:00

I'm fairly confident that I woke up this morning in Utah, as I have lived here for the last 4 years-solid evidence. But then outside, I'm sure it's telling me I'm back in Illinois, it is speaking that midwestern talk, that I was barely able to understand (and they say southerners are hard to understand- ha!).

It's saying things like humidity, and severe thunderstorms, flooding and funnel clouds. Hence the location confusion, cause Utah is desert-y, and dry, and un-tornado-y. But there are mountains being lit up in the back ground of the lightning that are definitely NOT Illinois, cause the highest point there is a whopping 75 feet, or something ridiculously flat.

I'm thoroughly confused, and I don't have toto to chat with about it- Bear dog is cowering under the bed. He's more like the wicked witch of the west anyway, he melts in the rain and other such precipitation, and he flies like one of those creepy monkeys when he breaks out, how else would he escape so much if not for the flying powers?

Monkey girl

2010-07-30T16:30:00.006-06:00

This is my child, whom I believe is part monkey. I know I should probably fear her climbing the 15 or 20 feet in the air. I should be worried that she'll fall and break her arm, but she's been at it for so long that the fear has sort of melted into more of a blase shrug. (I also can't make the ` thingy go over the e right- so you get the no` version)

I remember when I used to have that near crippling mom fear of her climbing things. I vividly remember when she was about 15 months old, climbing to the top of my Mom's piano, saying 'mama yook' and leaping off of the top. I can still feel the pull of my stomach- my eyes shooting open wide and my arms instinctively reaching out to catch her, even though I was 8 feet away. I also remember the look of triumph in her big brown eyes when she rolled and stood up, unscathed, and proud as can be.

She's gotten a little more daring with each new thing to climb, and my fear has been inversely proportional to her daring. I hope everything in her life goes this way- her taking a chance and me trusting a little more each time.

3rd grader

2010-07-30T14:18:00.003-06:00

The list has been posted. I refrained from requesting this year, since last year was such a bust. I have to trust that she is with the teacher that will be best for her, that Heavenly Father knows Em and loves her more than I do. It won't stop me from worrying little though, and praying a lot.

My kind of gift

2010-07-29T13:37:00.007-06:00

Some women get jewelry for their anniversaries, some get gift certificates for massages or shopping trips. Some get dates to dinner and the movies. I got magic.

It happened on Tuesday, I left the house that evening- for young women's; the back yard was dirt, the crater from the lost peach tree was still almost as deep as the ache over losing it, and the patio was a dusty mess. I came home and there was this lush green lawn where the dirt once was.

The patio was still a disaster, but there was lawn. and it was the most beautiful sight I think I've ever seen. Sod is magic people. And I have a backyard worthy of a swing set- built by a daddy who loves his girl (*ehem Shcroedad, do you still remember?)

It's still a happy shock to look out the back windows as I walk by and see green lawn there, instead of dirt and dog poop. Even the weather is celebrating my good fortune, it has rained every day since the sod got put in- she's a good gal that Mother Nature.

And my gift to the Schroedad? I cleaned the patio of course.
And I'm planning our date too- ideas please.

repeat please

2010-07-21T19:58:00.004-06:00

It was one of those Mary Poppins days- practically perfect in every way, you know the ones where you wish would do the whole groundhog day thing; lather, rinse, repeat.

The Girl Child cheerfully, no eye rolling or sassy tones, did everything I asked- the first time. But holy crow was that more magnificent than I ever could have imagined it could be.

I got all of my chores done, super fast- must have been the peanut butter and banana toast I ate for breakfast- and still had time to play with Emma. And I mean really play. Polly Pockets, Nintendo, reading, built a fort- and cleaned it up, all before dinner.

Tomorrow will you be just as great? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

dx & rx

2010-07-19T21:56:00.003-06:00

We, and when I say we- it really means I'm the intermediary and that is all, are helping some neighbors diagnose the problem with their swamp cooler. I'm much better at humans you know.

Just ask Dr. K, who now knows exactly how to prescribe valtrex for shingles, it's all in my little head you know. I mean, sure it's in the special physician's desk reference book too, but my head is much gray-matterier anyway. It's a good thing I filled in today.

Anyway back to the swamp cooler, the thing must be fixed. I don't know how they survived today- as it's edging toward 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. Popsicles can only take you so far, cold air is essential I tell you. Otherwise the alternative is wallowing in pools of your own sweat, and that is just gross. and smelly. and not very cool either.

Dx: broken fan belt thingy.

Rx: get a new one stat.

ADD brain

2010-07-15T16:15:00.007-06:00

Warning: there is no cohesiveness to this post, it's random bits of randomness.

I love those plain, boring days. The ones where you could sleep walk through the routine for all it's sameness. Bear and Emma are mauling each other, again, the laundry is going, again, and life is good, as usual. And I'm glad for it.

There's only about a month left before school- and we haven't done anything; must remedy. Movies tonight sounds good.

We measured for sod this morning, I think that there needs to be more work done on the sprinklers, but Schroeder disagrees. Oh well, if there's digging to be done later it's ok (note: it's ok cause I probably won't be the one doing it)

I have a hard time watching grown-ups who still play the annoying high-school-esque games with the whole cliques and excluding people thing. I just don't understand, and really never did.

I keep having strange dreams- where I have a baby all of a sudden, and then by the end of the dream I've lost it only to find it later in really weird places, like the bathroom cupboard and the laundry basket. No more allergy medicine right before bed, it's kinda freaking me out.

Some good tunes I've recently discovered and love:
Phoenix: 1901 (or anything on the Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix album really)
Neon Trees: Animal
Florence & the Machine: Heavy

Wow that's a lot of random junk- and it feel really good to get it out of my brain- you were warned, I apologize anyway. I wonder if that's what kids with ADD really do feel like, but don't you? Is it always that random and scattered?

I have admitted to having cleaning ADD, you know, where you start cleaning one thing and go to put something away in another room, and suddenly you start cleaning that new room and on and on and on. Until you discover that the whole day is gone, you've cleaned lots of things but the house, somehow, is still a mess. It's a bewildering feeling I tell you.

I'm not very good with wrap it all up ending paragraphs, not so good with the intros either to be perfectly honest. So that's all you get for a finisher.

Seriously, I'm done.

pepto tongue

2010-07-13T16:58:00.002-06:00

Pepto Tongue. It sounds all pink and cute right? Well it's not, it's much darker and grosser than you can imagine. I had a belly ache, so I took a pepto tablet thing, a very reasonable thing to do, if I do say so myself. Then I woke up with the grossest thing I've ever seen in my mouth, and I've eaten some weird things. Black Hairy Tongue. It just sounds gross, but doesn't it? Well trust me it is, gross that is.

Who knew that bismuth can cause a fungus to grow on your tongue? I didn't, maybe I should have paid better attention in dental hygiene school. Surely they would have covered that. Good thing webMD was there to save me, cause my mama was working that day, and everyone should know the danger of ingesting pepto, and coming out with gross fungus mouth.

a few of my favorite things: summer edition

2010-07-13T11:38:00.003-06:00

The hum of an air conditioner on a hot summer day, popsicles dripping down a grinning face, strawberries right off of the plant, peaches and cream over gingerbread cake, grilling every night, riding bikes until bed time, going to bed with the sun, digging in the garden, eating fresh produce right out of the garden, no school, watermelon at breakfast lunch and dinner, sidewalk chalk art, late night giggles, flashlights, campfires and s'mores, camping in the back yard, warm rain, strolls in the evening, watching the stars come out and making our own constellations, Bear dog chasing the go kart, fish tacos, eating dinner on the lawn

organization induced coma

2010-07-11T15:41:00.004-06:00

It is true and not at all an exaggeration when I tell you that I hauled eight bags of garbage out of The Girl Child's play room last night. The Schroedad and I were in the hole, akin to the chokey- but entirely less drippy, setting up a bin system.

It began with me, Smarty Pants- mother of the year even, freaking out about the disaster zone that the 'play room' had become. The floor wasn't visible due to the copious amounts of junk splayed out like dead bodies. And it wasn't just toys either, clothes, shoes, missing dogs, ok not the last one- but they could have been there unawares to us. We found my niece's jacket that's been missing for a few months. And far too many spiders, one, but still far too many for my liking.

The Schroeder, bless him forever, was out looking at Ikea, Home Depot and Walmart until ten-o'clock, shopping for the bins and shelves. I think we finally stumbled to bed around one-thirty in the morning, but I've never slept better. The peaceful sleep that comes from organizing is second to none, but don't you agree?

A get out of jail free card?

2010-07-10T11:41:00.005-06:00

Here's a story to warm your soul. You should sit down for this one, if you're not already.

It goes a little like this, the Schroeder nearly got him self arrested this morning. I'll back up to the incident, and you'll understand why I may or may not have bailed him out if he really did get put in the pokey.

As he was clearing a lot of weeds the mowing-cat-thingy threw a rock 75 or so yards and smacked right into the windshield of a passing truck. Shattering it right in front of the driver's side, poor passerby, nearly gave him a heart attack.

So the Schroedriver called the police, and lo and behold his license has expired! 6/7/10 it expired- a whole stinking month ago. In his defense, it is still his original 16-year-old-new-driver-license from 10+ years ago with so many renewal stickers it's sick. But really, it expired a month ago!

All I can say is it's a good thing he pays his tithing or something- cause bubble boy would not have done well in jail, and I don't think they take monopoly get out of jail free cards anyway.

2010-07-08T13:45:00.004-06:00

It's 2 o'clock, and I still haven't showered. Gross, I know. I've been catching up on life, mostly on the computer, but still, catching up. But if only the laundry were this fun.

Now that Trek is over and the 4th of July breakfast and bake sale (of huge success) is done I can breathe normally again-but really, I want to cry, cause my house- of recent immaculateness- is the crap shack again.

How does this happen? I still don't know. It's like I look away from the glory and beauty of a clean house for one second, and BAM out of nowhere, mess elves come and ruin everything.

I have exactly 4 weeks before girl's camp, that means 4 weeks to make the house nice and organized, and clean again. To get all of these dishes back to their owners, and put the sod in. And sadly I fear, I will probably come home to the crap shack after camp, and have to start all over again. But the smell and roar of a campfire, and the fun of girl's camp is so worth the trade, but don't you think?

the trek saga: part 3

2010-07-02T17:25:00.003-06:00

And Lo, it came to pass that the trek was to be embarked upon, and it was good.

It was breezy, not too hot- the perfect day to trek if ever there was one. Our company was first out and apparently we set such a fast pace that we were more than half way done before lunch time. The consequence: women's pull after lunch, and red company got moved to the back {those strong Strongs- setting the pace!}. We splashed through mud, pulled through puddles, and the Schroedad even carried one of our daughters across on his back. The missionaries told of heroic stories of perseverance and rescue, we were all humbled.

Our Stake President called all of the men together and took them up the hill- told them that we women didn't really need them and they needed to be worthy enough for us to want them around, or something that went a little like that.

We sang 'As Sisters In Zion', were told that we are stronger than we think we are and that we could do this. That when our trials come, not to ask why me, but instead to ask why not me. Our trials are what acquaint us with God and we're pretty lucky to be chosen to be tried. I cried. we prayed.

We pulled our handcarts up the steep hill, lined with misty-eyed men, we sang hymns to them while they watched in silent awe. By the end the young men were pulling hats down and sunglasses on to hide the tears, the old men were freely weeping. As were the women. We were strong, and brave, and happy.

After lunch we finished our trek, crossed the Sweetwater river and came home. The youth square danced, the leaders joined in and cheered on. We met with our own Bishops for a fireside, I missed my kids. The Bishop taught an amazing devotional, we sang 'Because I Have Been Given Much' and cried again.

After the fireside the kids ran around telling tales of their day to friends and stayed up way too late. Bishop put all of our stray kids to bed around 1:30- the ma's and pa's were all happily in dream land by then. I'm glad he, at least, was a good parent. I think we all decided we were off duty at 11.

The next day we were to stop on the way home at Rocky Ridge Hollow, but guess what, the bus broke, again. At least they'd emptied the bathroom- so the rolling golden turd was no longer an appropriate name for the broken bus. We did some shuttling, and eventually made it there.

As we filed by the mass grave of the 13 individuals who died there we were serenaded by a violin playing. It was silent and reverent, almost like the temple. A testimony meeting was to be held, the youth filled up all of the time- nary a single adult was heard.

The Stake president called for another bus to be brought up, since the repair didn't actually work on said bus. So most were sent home- some of our kids stayed behind to wait for the last bus, I fretted like any mom would. I gave them all of our bus snacks- they'd get home way after we would, I was sure. Not a good idea, especially since the anti-nausea medication I'd taken wore off around Evanston. Just in time to get obscenely nauseated through the windy Parley's Canyon.

I have a testimony that sometimes prayers get answered exactly how you ask them to be. For I prayed mightily, "please don't let me puke on the bus", was my plea. I made it 3 steps off of the bus and into the grass, I think I'll be more specific next time. Something more like "please just let me puke in my own toilet" where the bishopric and the whole bus won't see.

The fireside the next day was fun, we got to see all of the pictures taken on trek (I don't have them yet or you'd see some of the better ones). None of our kids wanted to go home, they were still enjoying the trek high, and I can't say that I blame them. It was a remarkable experience that I won't soon forget.

The End- as promised

The trek saga: part 2

2010-06-30T18:21:00.003-06:00

And it came to pass that we finally made it to Wyoming, to which I am positive I am allergic. As we rolled in to Martin's Cove 4 hours late, I thought to myself. "Self", I said "there is a whole lot of sage brush and desert-ish space not so far from home in Utah, why, oh, why did we drive all the way up here just to trek through some sage brush?"

We did not receive handcarts to push, due to the tardiness of ourselves-thank heavens, as we trekked up to Martin's Cove. It was the hottest part of the day, and it came to pass that I was unimpressed- until we got to the part where we were serenaded with 'Come Come Ye Saints' and we heard the plight of said saints and started up the trail to the Cove. It was an epitomic ( I think I just made that word up) experience. I was awed that they were willing to come to Zion right away, instead of waiting for the train (I would've waited I'm sure). The faith that propelled them through the sweltering heat, step after blistered step, into the freezing cold, truly amazes me. And lo I was humbled, and grateful.

Even though we had to set up our tents in the dark-ish, I'm so glad we went to Martin's Cove, it got all of us in the right frame of mind to walk in the pioneer's footsteps the very next day.

Part 3- the end... tomorrow

the trek:part 1

2010-06-28T23:00:00.006-06:00

The good news is that trek was fantastic- I'd do it again in a heart beat.

The bad news is that we were on the smelly gold bus, more dignified than another colored smelly bus, but don't you think? The gold was what made it sort of endurable-ish. Oh but I 'm getting ahead of myself. I'll start at the beginning so you can fully appreciate the whole story of the smelly gold bus.

We were up at 4:45, in the am. We dressed in our darling pioneer clothes and dutifully went to reenact the arduous trek of the hand cart pioneers. The shiny gold bus was ours to be endured, except we didn't know just how bad it would be when we commenced loading that bus.

And so it was 30 whole minutes into the trip that we first broke down on the side of the freeway. As we unloaded 2 of my girls made a sign, 'polygamists need help' it read. Clever girls, too bad it only collected honks and waves, but no real help for our leaky bus.

I have a simple math equation for you:
what do you get when you combine
1 smelly gold bus
plus
1 windy canyon road
plus
smarty pants
?

A recipe for near disaster is what.

It's a good thing Ma H was prepared with, and willing to share, prescription strength anti-nausea medications. I haven't been car sick in a long time, this bus was testing all of my strength I tell you, every last bit.

After 10 long, smelly, and slightly nauseated hours, too many break downs on the side of the freeway, one potty stop- not at the back of the bus, we finally made it to Wyoming...

Part 2 tomorrow

an ode to the schroed (er)

2010-06-23T16:07:00.003-06:00

Superman and Emma (aka kryptonite)

Dear Schroeder (aka Superman)

Thanks for folding all of the laundry last night, and putting it away too. I was stressing over that big time- the whole coming home to a messy house thing, crazy, I know. It was like having magic elves living in the house. Also thanks for scrubbing the black mold of death off of that danged tent with me, if it's toxic at least we'll die together! You pretty much swooped in and saved the day.

With much gratitude,
Smarty Pants (aka Lois Lane)