actual conversation: children's television programs

I have a random question. What would happen if a preschool aged girl and her pet went wandering off in the forest? In real life DCFS would be all over that, but on Nickelodeon it's ok.

I can just imagine it now... An Amber alert has been issued for a 'Dora Explorer' who was last seen with her pet monkey 'Boots'. Mr. & Mrs. Explorer have issued the following statement
"We're not overly concerned, she goes on adventures like this all of the time. She has survival gear inside of her backpack, as well as a GPS like map. She'll be home around dark".






I'll bet you're wondering what brought all this philosophizing about, it was a conversation The Girl Child and I had a few years ago that I wrote about in my "for Em journal"- it went like this:

Smarty Pants: Umm, where are you going, and why do you have a back pack and Ducky?

Girl Child: On a adventure.

Smarty Pants: Oh, I see. Where is your adventure going to be?

Girl Child: Where ever it happens, mostly outside though.

Smarty Pants: Ok- but don't go out front alone.

Girl Child: Mom, do I have to stay in the back yard? Dora never takes her mom.

Smarty Pants: Dora also has a pet monkey, and a talking map, so yes- the yard it is.

Girl Child: Real life isn't as fun as cartoon life.

check it out

This guy takes random things and photographs them in funny situations

Little egg- Big dreams

Sweet cupcake goes Marilyn

Bon Voyage- Golf ball prepares

Escape form an overzealous admirer

MFEO

book fair rejects aka: creepiest children's books ever written

It's not bad enough that there's even a book- it's a guided tour by Senor Caca in a beret and plaid golf pants

What happened to holing up in your room with Narnia and some twinkies?

Did it really need to be fully illustrated?

Do little boys really need a book to tell them how to do this?

"One nation, indivisible" maybe the cover art wasn't all that well thought out after all

I was enjoying those splendid 3 days of spring. I loves those birds chirping their little spring songs in the naked trees. And the not snow part- that was fantastic. Then outta no where- with little to no warning came 3 days of snow. What gives- gentle breezes? I think Old Man Winter owes me one.

confessions of the easily amused

You know how when you get a chest cold you have a few days of that deeper, sultry, sexyish voice. then a few days later, it's more of the gravelly chain smoker voice. I'm currently at the chain-smoker voice stage. It's sort of funny to hear, especially when I'm deaf in one ear- so I can hear my own voice echo in that ear. I find myself saying stuff out loud just for funsies. That's a pretty sad form of entertainment, I am aware. again with the tmi.

5 ramdom things: jr. high edition

5 reasons I'm glad I'm no longer in jr. high school

1. the awkward valentines dance

2. puberty

3. gum, and other gross stuff, on the bottom of the desk

4. assemblies about not hazing or don't do drugs

5. the smells emanating out of the boy's locker room

apparently I didn't try hard enough

Some how, and by that, I mean the word 'yes' came out of my mouth when I wasn't looking, I've agreed to something I never thought I'd willingly do. Actually 2 somethings I really didn't ever want to do.

I don't know what possessed me to think it was ok to agree to sing, in public, by myself, but that's what I've agreed to do. When I realized what, exactly, I agreed to, I nearly fell over in one of those dizzycauseiforgottobreathe spells.

I'm more of what you'd consider a shower singer- home exhibition only. And no, the church choir thing doesn't count- cause that's a choir, not a solo. And strangely I feel morally obligated to be in the choir- maybe because my mom was the choir director once?

And worse, this really nice lady called and was chatting to me about the PTA, and she said they were thinking of someone to be on the board and my name came up. Somewhere in between the compliments, and not really understanding what was happening- I became the treasurer for the PTA for next year. I think that was mostly due to my ego being easily inflated that I lost my senses momentarily.

Don't worry, I'll be on my guard from now on. No more fast ones being pulled on me, by those tricky people who I just can't say no to. Dang them for being so nice, and complimentary. I guess I didn't try hard enough during the DARE program.

valentine's day and the pdap

I wish I could love Valentine's day- but there's this part of me that goes into near convulsive nausea whenever one of those stupid commercials comes on, so I can't. You know the ones, they start with a car and a big red bow, and end with kissing and an air of superiority. I just don't believe that every kiss begins with Kay, more likely miller lite or some other chemical aphrodisiac. kidding. sort of.

When did it turn into an over-commercialized over candied joke? I remember making valentines boxes at school and giving out valentines with he-man or smurfs saying some witty valentines poem about being blue if you aren't my valentine. And you brought a bag of conversation hearts for the whole class to share. Now all of the valentines are made to be attached to a candy bar- sold separately- for each kid in class.

Why did this happen? And more importantly, how did this happen?

I want to love Valentine's day- there's a little romance in this overly-practical girl. I like flowers, just not three times the regular price for one stupid day flowers. I'm all about expressions of love- just not forced, nerve racking expressions of love.

I'll confess something. In high school my friend and I made our own little club- silly I know. It was the PDAP. The public display of affection police. We took it upon ourselves to rid the halls of all gross and overt displays of public affection, we made little yellow felt sheriff's badges and carried squirt guns and everything. Our busiest day of the year was always Valentine's day.

I theorize-

For some reason the boys would cave to the pressure to:
a. get a girlfriend
b. buy that girlfriend gifts

I think it had something to do with the fact the the girls would cave to the pressure to:
a. hold hands
b. kiss a lot

Man I loved squirting the makers-out right in the nose, then watching them sputter all over their partner in crime's face. classic.

A rebel with a half-crap cause so to speak

a letter to the calendar makers of old

Dear Calendar Makers of Old-

What, exactly, were you thinking when you made January the longest month in the whole year? I'm well aware that other months also have 31 days in them, however, those other months have really great redeeming qualities that make them speed by in the blink of an eye. Take October for example- it's 31st day is a holiday laden with candy, costumes, and the occasional drag queen- that makes everything ok. December, too, has a holiday on the last day, only this one is a little more drag queen and a lot more boozy for most people. Still, a holiday nonetheless. And those warm months don't have to do anything special- they're warm and, therefore, not the worst month of the year, unlike some cold and dragging months aforementioned.

So I vote we take some of those days in January, and give them to June. June is a totally fabulous and deserving month. It's all warm and there's no school, and think of how many more people could get married, and not be stuck with a cold and lame anniversary every year.

Let me know what you think?

Love,
Smarty Pants

p.s. yes I am well aware of the fact that those in the southern hemisphere may not like this plan- but I'm sure in time they could learn to live with it.

my birthday is a holiday- seriously it is

You know why January the 17th is such a great birthday? No, it's not because you'd have to join the polar people club to have a pool party like those June birthday people can. And it's not because you can have your party on any day of the week since it's Summer Vacation like those July and August people can. It's not even because it's right after Christmas no one wants to do a party right after Christmas- especially not me.

It's because in all of my whole educational career, I've only gone to school on my birthday 2 times. Yep, just twice. I love having a birthday that's frequently an observed holiday.

It totally makes up for the fact that my life has not in any way shape or form done what I planned for it to do by the ripe ole age of 30. Those other 3 or 4 kids I'd planned to have, no big deal- my birthday is an observed holiday. Going to dental hygiene school instead of med school, as planned- so what? My birthday is an observed holiday.

See how it goes and makes things just right, that observed holiday birthday. Don't you wish you had an observed holiday birthday too?

why is it?

Why is it that I get more accomplished on days when I have 97 thousand things to get done, and less on those days when I'm not over scheduled and half past crazy? And while we're on the subject, why is it that one day the Girl Child suddenly wakes up with sass in her pants, where there was only sweet and nice before? Why is it that my dog only barfs inside the house? Do you know?

Maybe it's because she sleeps like this.

in and out of dream land

Some times I think about weird stuff at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. Last night I was thinking to myself about Oprah. It's crazy how she's this trend setting talk show host, who is sort of trying to take over the world. I mean she went from harpo productions to having her own channel for crying out loud. She's like the emperor and darth vader all rolled into one. I warned you it was crazy at the beginning.

Then I though about when Oprah dies, will there be a 3 day funeral, with a procession that goes all around the country with her embalmed body? Will she be kept in one of those creepy glass caskets on display, like Lenin and Stalin? Weird I know, and potentially a little sick too.

So this led, in my stream of consciousness, to Ryan Seacrest. Is he going to be the next Oprah? Will there be a Ryan's favorite things list? Will he open a school for children, where they'll learn how to have 60 jobs at once? Or is Ryan Seacrest just a puppet whose strings are actually being held by Oprah?

Then I finally manage to turn my brain off, and get to sleep. That's when the really weird stuff happens. Do you ever have dreams that are so vivid that when you wake up you're sure that it actually could have taken place? I do. A lot. Good thing they never actually happen though- or my neighbors would be moving to Virginia to do horse riding competitions, and I love them so. Or worse still, I would be stuck swimming in the ocean- intermittently filled with sharks and jelly fish. Strange right?

I wonder if dreams actually have meanings, not like those dreams where an angel comes to you and gives you a heavenly message, cause I've never had one those, but normal every day meanings- like you're worried about punctuality, or you need to be more organized.


So the point of this whole, write about my crazy brainly workings before I fall asleep, post- is that I need to figure out how to fall asleep faster (before all of this crazy Darth Vader talk can start going) and I need to really just get a good night's sleep for Pete's sake!

End transmission of the crazy channel

eerily similar

I love Christmas movies, hot cocoa, blankets, reciting the lines as they're said- the tradition of it all. This year I noticed something- some of the characters look like real people, or do the real people look like the characters? Seriously it's a little eerie. Judge for yourself.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Look-A-Likes:

Sam The Snowman looks like: Santa looks like: The Boss Elf looks like: Hermie The Wanna-Be Dentist looks like: Yukon Cornelius looks like: Charlie-In-The-Box looks like: Dolly-For-Sue looks like: The Abominable Snowman looks like:

Wilford Brimley Billy Gibbons (from ZZ Top) Guy Fieri Carson Kressley Monterey Jack Simon Pegg The Wendy's Girl Dave Grohl

observations in adulthood

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font, but don't you agree?

4. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

a letter

Dear Schroedad,

I must tell you, that while I am so excited about our trip that I almost can't sleep, I'm also feeling a strange something or other. I don't think I'm hungry, definitely not gassy, just nervous- I think. You see, I've been having strange dreams wherein my beloved child gets kidnapped, or we all get kidnapped, oh, has it been rather exhausting for all the sleep it has involved, and do you realize that we are traveling through some very busy airports?

I know it's such a silly thing, worried over randomly strange stories that run through my head in the night time hours. Especially since the Girl Child, really, is a more seasoned traveler than most kids her age, or your age for that matter, but still- these dreams are freaking me out.

So getting to the point of this whole letterly public display of nervousness, keep an extra close eye on the strange-ish people at the airport for me, please?

Love,
Smarty pants

wherein I run an orphanage

How to Run an Orphanage
or pretend you're the Duggars on TLC
whichever you prefer
By Smarty Pants

First make sure you have lots of kids, any age will do. Take, for example, the 8 kids I had at my house this morning. A 10 year old, two 8 year olds, a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, a baby of 11 months, and a baby of 8 months.

To begin, you should agree to have your brother's kids stay over, on a school night if possible, so he & his wife can go to a nice hotel. Veterans day discount you know. Make sure you have a pack & play or other sort of crib for the baby.

Then you watch four extra kids that don't belong to you, on very short notice. Next add your own kid to the mix, and voila- an orphanage.

Honestly- I was insanely happy, and a little crazy, to have all of those kids. Why is that, do you think? I'm sure no one spiked the punch, I've not had a head injury recently, and I'm not taking any medications. I really have no logical explanation. But, I wasn't sad to see them go either- so that must prove my sanity, right?

Things that should stay

You know that game I have- things that must go? Well I have another version for you today, it's Things that should stay. I'm sure you all have your lists too, of those things that just make life a little nicer. I know you're thinking of them in your head- I'll wait.

Girl child going to bed nicely- that definitely should stay for a long time, or at least until she moves out.

Mirror notes- I love writing on the mirror with dry erase markers, especially since I can't ever find a pen, or blank paper

Those really great ideas that pop right into my head while I'm in the shower- especially since I now write them on the mirror and actually remember them

And speaking of showers- nice hot showers at the end of the day- then I can get into bed all snuggly, and my sheets are perfectly chilly and the pillow is just the right degree cold. The cold side of the pillow is a luxury unto it self, but don't you agree?

Compliments about my brains or otherwise genius self- not that compliments in the form of 'you look nice' aren't accepted too. It's just that the ones about my brains are so much more appreciated.

random facts: halloween edition

My head is full of useless trivia and facts, well sometimes it's useful, but not that often. I have this weird knack for remembering completely random facts, but not peoples names or appointment times or anything important like that.

I've compiled my list of favorite Halloween random facts for your reading pleasure.


Ireland is typically believed to be the birthplace of Halloween

The first Jack O’Lanterns were actually made from turnips.

According to Irish legend, Jack O’Lanterns are named after a stingy man named Jack who, because he tricked the devil several times, was forbidden entrance into both heaven and hell. He was condemned to wander the Earth, waving his lantern to lead people away from their paths.

Samhainophobia is the fear of Halloween- apparently some people take the pranks too far and scar their siblings for life.

My favorite Halloween movies

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Edward Scissorhands

Things that must go

It's time again to play one of my favorite games: Things that must go. The short, but random list of annoying things that just shouldn't be.

1. The sprinklers turning on mid-shower, decreasing the water pressure to a trickle- making it impossible to rinse all of the shampoo out. Yeah- that's gotta stop.

2. Standing water in the shower, and no draino in the house, so it's in that state for a few days. It really limits just how long one can stand under the running water, before it spills over the edge and turns the bathroom floor into a pool.

3. Being otherwise occupied when the cleaning/organizing mojo turns on. It's a fickle thing, the mojo. It must be seized when the opportunity arises, it doesn't wait for the busy.

no reason

Often times, for reasons unknown to even myself, I'll find myself thinking about jobs. Ones that I would not be a good fit for, ones that I would so rock at, and just in case I ever find myself in a position where I am offered said job, I'll be prepared with my answer without having to think about it. (Like a majority of my thoughts, this doesn't actually serve a purpose.) I'm sure you're wondering just exactly wouldn't I be good at- and not wanting to come off as egotistical, I'll leave you with the list of jobs I'd suck at:

President of the United States- I would veto things just for the sake of stamping a giant NO on it. And also I would blow off dumb meetings to play hide and seek in the White House. And I would be painfully honest and probably tell "important" people how truly unimportant they are, potentially starting WW3

Proctologist- behinds are gross

Podiatrist- same as above, except feet- feet are yucky

Sportscaster- I don't really love sports and I'd just play with the screen pen thing on people's faces- goatees, horns, handlebar mustaches, and the like

DJ- I'd only play music I liked- none of that lame crap

Game show host- I hate seeing people uncomfortable, so if they didn't know the answer I'd randomly blurt it out

Traffic cop- I'd make rude people wait an extra long time, just to teach them about considerate driving and some patience

Anything on an aircraft carrier- I watched this show called Carrier on PBS, and boy did that teach me that I'd never make it there. The deck gets up to 140 F- I'd be on break all of the time, too hot. They have to save all of the garbage until they stop at a port- smelly. There's really nothing I'd be good at there.

Lucky for me, I'm not often approached out of the blue and offered random jobs in which I have absolutely no experience. It's probably not a coincidence, either, that I selected jobs that have relatively high levels of pressure upon job performance, either. I'm all about keeping the expectations low, or at least not too high, so I don't disappoint anyone.