gratitude: tmi edition

Warning the following post may contain information you'd rather not know
about anyone, ever, let alone me, now.

You know what I'm grateful for? The fact that my stomach/intestinal area is only connected to 2 orifices. Oh, and that there are exactly as many bathrooms as there are bottoms in this house.

just exactly right

You know what's funny- sometimes I'll pray for something, get an answer and not recognize it. My blindness is an art form.

How lucky I am that Heavenly Father is all perfect and stuff, and He'll patiently tell me again, and then send some fantastic thing to get my attention, so I'll recognize just how cool He really is.

Let me explain- the 10 virgins program; that sucker stretched me way beyond my comfort zone. I thought I was being so good and serving just like I was supposed to, even though I didn't necessarily jump for joy about it at first. It was scary. Silly me, I wasn't the one being all righteous and self sacrificing- it was an answer to my prayers. The kind with flashing lights and a neon sign, the kind that I finally pay attention to. Message received.

I learned that I'm supposed to stop worrying about all the stuff I've been nuts about- and just focus on living. And not just any old living- living the gospel kind of living. Sharing my testimony more boldly, and being a living example of it. I'm actually not in a state of limbo, like I whined and complained about being in, and I'm happy to know it.

valentine's day and the pdap

I wish I could love Valentine's day- but there's this part of me that goes into near convulsive nausea whenever one of those stupid commercials comes on, so I can't. You know the ones, they start with a car and a big red bow, and end with kissing and an air of superiority. I just don't believe that every kiss begins with Kay, more likely miller lite or some other chemical aphrodisiac. kidding. sort of.

When did it turn into an over-commercialized over candied joke? I remember making valentines boxes at school and giving out valentines with he-man or smurfs saying some witty valentines poem about being blue if you aren't my valentine. And you brought a bag of conversation hearts for the whole class to share. Now all of the valentines are made to be attached to a candy bar- sold separately- for each kid in class.

Why did this happen? And more importantly, how did this happen?

I want to love Valentine's day- there's a little romance in this overly-practical girl. I like flowers, just not three times the regular price for one stupid day flowers. I'm all about expressions of love- just not forced, nerve racking expressions of love.

I'll confess something. In high school my friend and I made our own little club- silly I know. It was the PDAP. The public display of affection police. We took it upon ourselves to rid the halls of all gross and overt displays of public affection, we made little yellow felt sheriff's badges and carried squirt guns and everything. Our busiest day of the year was always Valentine's day.

I theorize-

For some reason the boys would cave to the pressure to:
a. get a girlfriend
b. buy that girlfriend gifts

I think it had something to do with the fact the the girls would cave to the pressure to:
a. hold hands
b. kiss a lot

Man I loved squirting the makers-out right in the nose, then watching them sputter all over their partner in crime's face. classic.

A rebel with a half-crap cause so to speak

steamy mirror musings

So I don't think this picture counts for the right out of the showerness, however, there is no makeup on- so it sort of works, because I have a no naked picture policy that I strictly adhere to. It took some time to really decide on which feature I liked the best, mostly cause I was waiting for the steam to clear off of the mirror.

After some deliberation, it was between my eyes and my left cheek dimple, my green eyes won out. I love these green eyes in my head, and the eyebrows above them- they can communicate a host of emotions.

There's the 'mom look' that lets Girl Child, and The Schroedad, know that the limits are being tested. Then there's the come hither look, I'm sure you can use your imagination for that one. And the crazy eyes- that one says 'caution-it's been one of those days'.

These green green eyes can give a look of understanding and sympathy, a look of acceptance and unconditional love. Somehow they say spill your guts, tell me your problems- I'll understand, I won't judge. And that's just what happens, and all I can figure is that it's these eyes that do it. Sometimes they fill with tears, then they're really green, and it's apparent that my heart is full- happy or sad, either way.

Best of all these green eyes crinkle a little at the edges when I smile, and they hold a little sparkle of mischief. Like they're just waiting for a great idea to explode into full mischief mode.

pepto tongue

Pepto Tongue. It sounds all pink and cute right? Well it's not, it's much darker and grosser than you can imagine. I had a belly ache, so I took a pepto tablet thing, a very reasonable thing to do, if I do say so myself. Then I woke up with the grossest thing I've ever seen in my mouth, and I've eaten some weird things. Black Hairy Tongue. It just sounds gross, but doesn't it? Well trust me it is, gross that is.

Who knew that bismuth can cause a fungus to grow on your tongue? I didn't, maybe I should have paid better attention in dental hygiene school. Surely they would have covered that. Good thing webMD was there to save me, cause my mama was working that day, and everyone should know the danger of ingesting pepto, and coming out with gross fungus mouth.

underwear gone all wrong

An Open Letter-

Ladies- I understand that the trend from regular undies to thongs was to eliminate the VPL, I get it you- don't want undie lines. So how did it go from wanting to conceal all vestiges of underwear to practically showing the whole dang thing?

Somehow things went all wrong in the quest to be less conspicuous about the underoos. Do you remember underoos, and undies used to have the days of the week on the front -ok so Girl Child's actually do, and probably will until she buys her own- still those were the glory days. But weren't they? I love the little sets too, with the matching undershirts and the cartoon characters.

And now look at us- just look and you're bound to see full on visible panties, no need to worry about the lines- the whole dang thing is there for the world to cringe at.

So, Ladies of a certain underwear preference, when you bend over to retrieve the item you dropped I'd rather not have to shield my eyes, and those of my highly curious 8 year old, from your very visible underthings. Please, please I beg put it away for the love of Pete! Seriously people crack kills.

7 Wonders of the world

Last night I learned, from the most lovely blind and deaf young lady, what the 7 wonders of the world really are. I've never been so amazed by someone before. It was a truly humbling experience to listen to Bergen tell us how she was grateful that she has 51/2 of the 7 wonders of the world.

The pyramids and the great wall didn't make her list of the wonders of the world. Sight, smell, hearing, touch, taste, love, laughter- those are her 7 wonders. I take most of them for granted, everyday- and they are her wonders, things took on a new perspective and importance. It's amazing that a girl of 18 has so much to teach, without much experience in the world she taught us a new way to see the world. And for that I'm grateful.

I guess going to all the gazillion youth activities was bound to pay off eventually.

clean hands, not such a nice heart

Attention- much sarcasm and some snark ahead- proceed with caution

Yesterday I saw something that made me want to grab a head and shake it just to see if there were any brains occupying the space inside...

My cute friend Emily wrote a post about washing hands, it made me overly observant as I was out and about yesterday, the consequences were grave.

In the Restroom at Target:
Mom- to daughter - "you don't need to wash you hands in here, I have hand sanitizer"

Smarty Pants (in my head) "No, there is no way a mother just instructed her child to NOT wash hands. What kind of mother does this? That is beyond disgusting, you eat with those hands people"

At an office building: Lady walks out of restroom, without washing hands, stops at automatic hand sanitizer dispenser and then goes on her merry, disgusting way.

So just to get it off my chest: HAND SANITIZER IS NOT, I REPEAT, NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR HAND WASHING, AND NEVER WILL BE!!!

I will now try to calmly explain why hand sanitizer is not a substitute for hand washing:

The hand sanitizer that you (being the general public) can purchase is alcohol based. you know, the rubbing kind. In order for alcohol to kill micro-organisms (specifically the kind you don't want on your hands) it must be on the surface, wet, for 72 hours. Yes you read correctly, 72 hours.

Hand washing, on the other hand-all puns intended-doesn't kill micro-organisms really, but it does send them right down the drain with the soap and water. Not the good ones that are on your skin all of the time, nestled in your fingerprint grooves. No no, washing gets rid of the transient micro-organisms, the kind that cause illness-read hepatitis C or something equally terrifying.

Hopefully that cleared up any lingering misconceptions about the use of hand sanitizer when you could wash your hands.

There I feel so much better

*nothing against using hand sanitizer when no other option is available, just not as a primary means for hand cleanliness. also hospitals use a different type, especially when there isn't a sink in the room and according to the CDC "it's safe" I'm not sure if I buy it, but there is the information for you to decide for yourself

swim lessons

Tried to swim last night, but The Schroeder had to show some houses, darn work interfering with my hobby. But it turned out that no one could swim last night due to the vomit floating on the surface of the pool. Friends reported that swimming was a bust and the pool needed some deep cleaning after someone puked in it. Grosser than gross I say.

I have had more than my fair share of barf mishaps and the cleaning that goes right along with it, so I'm pretty aware of how gross it really is. The reason for my special skill in cleaning emesis- since I'm sure you're dying to know: Girl Child has cyclic vomiting syndrome. finally a diagnosis for what happens to her every month or so. the reason we have missed the last 5 major holidays. the same reason she has legitimately missed more school than any child her age should. nothing to do about it, it just feels good to know, you know? to be sure that nothing is majorly wrong, what a relief, still have to clean it up, but some how even that isn't so bad anymore

Just me

I didn't realize until yesterday just how fantastic running water is-I assumed I knew, but I didn't. Hand washing- a million times a day, toilet flushing, showering, drinking, washing clothes and dishes, the list goes on. Until I didn't have it I didn't realize just how much I use it and love it. I took it for granted. I think I take lots of things for granted. not a characteristic I'm particularly proud of, sort of like my occasional sarcastic and {potentially} snarky comments, but that's for another day.

Man- me and all of my assuming lately, it's gotten me into lots of trouble. Trouble i don't need. And apparently, I'm the only one turning out to be the "ass"umed one- if you get my drift.

So really the point of the whole story, I know I get to it in a very round-about way- but indulge me, I was contemplating about going to the doctor with which I have a love/hate relationship {that baby making doctor} weighing the pros and cons of another stab at the whole involved process that is conception, and the decision was made for me. in the form of having to pay for a cat scan for Em and a new water heater in one day... "that's a big negative, over."

So I'm trying to decide if I should keep praying to know when all this baby making should go down, while potentially racking up huge medical/and or home repair bills, or if I should just wait, not ask and not be afraid of how the answer will come.

a momentary cessation eluded

Inspiration is the momentary cessation of stupidity, and apparently I'm not having a cessation of any sort. Girl Child had to have a CT scan yesterday, because I can't tell the difference between constipation and something more serious... stupid, stupid, stupid. I know she was seen by a doctor and he ordered the scan, but I assumed that she was on a "regular" schedule, if you know what I mean, so that was ruled out, and appendicitis was the new worry. see what assuming does. 4 hours later they tell us, it's not anything emergent, just full of poo. then the water heater broke-the real one, not metaphorically speaking. It was an exciting, not in the good way, and expensive day all around. Can I have a groundhog day type of do over? Then I'd know what was coming, and maybe get it right after 4 or 5 tries.

Re-solutions?

I hope it's not too late- I haven't made any resolutions for the new year yet. I've never been a good resolution maker, the year of "spend less" washed out pretty fast, no I am not a shop-a-holic, that was the year of surgeries. we all know that surgeries=bills and bills= spending money, lots of it. so that's out of the running for good. Others that were a bust: eat less chocolate; that lasted a whole 2 minutes- there was fudge leftover from Christmas, Oh and the be less sarcastic one, that went over like a ton of bricks. see I'm really not very good at this.

I think my resolution making skills suck because I make one and suddenly the universe has very different plans for me, like the exact opposite of what I resolved to do. What exactly is a resolution anyway? re solution, like trying to fix the same problems over and over again? I don't really get it, and maybe that's the real problem with my resolution making skills- so do you make a list of your problems and think of new and improved solutions? Is that how it's supposed to go? and how many do you make, are they all supposed to be difficult, or should there be varying degrees of difficulty? I really need to be ensured some success-cause I'm a lazy overachiever.

Lets see; no babies, there really aren't any more solutions for that, tried them all- I promise. What else; sassy girl loathes school, requested teacher last year, maybe let the chips fall where they may this year? I hope I can be that brave, it's hard for a smother mother like me to hand over decisions for Girl Child to strangers, even if they might know better than I do.

I think I've narrowed it down to 5
1. read scriptures more, family and personal
2. less smothering for Girl Child
3. make meal plans for each month-and actually try to stick to it
4. do at least 1 nice thing-above and beyond regular stuff- everyday for The Schroeder and Em
5. paint my nails more often-once a year would cover this one. I told you I need a guaranteed success.