Sunday, April 25, 2010

musings in the mirror

This morning as I was getting ready for church, and all of the meetings before, I was talking to myself in the mirror. I know, it sounds sort of crazy- but I never claimed that I wasn't.

I wondered things- like how was it decided; the challenges we would face, our strengths and weaknesses? Are the things I have a hard time with now the same things I struggled with before I came to Earth or are they new things I'm not so good at?

I've always felt like I'm the epitome of average, mediocre is my middle name.
I've felt this way since I was a child. There are lots of things I'm capable of doing, but no one area where I'm really great. now I'm not fishing for compliments or even comparing myself to others (which I do too often anyway)- it's just a fact, and that's ok. Mediocre is half way up the mountain, and that's at least a start- right?

Even stranger- I totally saw the value and worth of others, but never myself.
Oh - it gets better. In every single blessing I can remember, the first thing that was said- Heavenly Father loves me.

I know. thick skulled apparently. It's hard being a 'why' child.

There is a point to all of this nonsense. I think it is actually helping me in my calling right now. I can feel sympathy for those morose, complain-y teenagers (and believe me they're complaining). So maybe this is where a weakness becomes a strength, as promised.


  1. I can identify with that.

    I believe that seeing your weakness is the first step to making it a strength, so good for you! I think too often we can't see our own faults and are left to stay in our inadequate stages for some time before we finally open our eyes and say "ouch" and then we can progress.

  2. Jess - I totally get where you're coming from. In every blessing I've ever received I get told that Heavenly Father knows of me. That may sound strange but I've had real feelings where I felt as if I was just one of those anonymous no-face people and He didn't think much about me. I've learned since I was wrong. Very wrong. But it's taken a lot of trials and problems and angst - to make me grow enough to see that I am very much loved and regarded. You are too. I don't think we have to be world beaters to be loved. He loves His steady, every-day type children too. I like to imagine we are easy to be around. Soothing types. Except when we're hungry or mad.
    And trials? I think there are certain things each of us needs to conquer while we're here. There were trials I ran away from in my first marriage, and they've come back to haunt me. Perhaps in a slightly different form, but I still need to conquer the same things in order to grow. I can't run away from my weaknesses forever. So I've finally hitched up my big girl jeans and I am working on myself.

    NOW Miss Ordinary: you are not so ordinary! You are a winner in my giveaway!! You won the pink and black Olivia clutch! So email me and tell me where to send it! I was so excited when I drew your name!

  3. i would hardly call you mediocre, Jess. Not even close!

    Of course, we all have to make those realizations for ourselves, and it often doesn't happen till we hit middle age, for some reason.

    But I do bet you are particularly good in dealing with the youth. And they need someone who "gets it."


  4. I always think of Esther and, "for such a time as this". I have 4 girls and I have to take extra anxiety meds every time I even think about getting called to YW's. I'm sure you are doing better than that!