turns out he can

A monumental occasion has occurred- remember when I said I've never been surprised since I married the Schroeder? Well, he did it, he went and surprised the crap out of me. It came in the form of a surprise party even.

How's that for skill acquisition? Going from can't keep a secret, to planning & executing a party, all without spilling the beans. Luckily it freaked him out enough that he'll never do that again, and who knows, maybe he'll retain enough of the secret keeping skill to make Christmas presents a surprise.

things I learned while traveling

There are few things that make me cringe more than the words traveling during the holidays. One of them is:4 hour layover, at the McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, NV.

I've come to know that the McCarran airport is literally hell on earth, my version anyway. And the spirit whispered to me it is true.

I have a simple math problem to prove it.

What do you get when you add
1. a wall of glass, untinted, so that lets the maximum amount of retina burning sunshine glare off of the tarmac in.

2.lots of nice airplanes (but never the one that takes you home) flashing by, making the light appear to have a strobe light effect.

3. slot machines, lots and lots of them. All ringing and dinging without stop.

Add all of this together, for 4 mind numbing hours, and it's a seizure waiting to happen, or a nasty migraine in my case.

It's a good thing The Girl Child is such a seasoned traveler, and aware of the rules of traveling. She made the whole experience better with her budding sense of humor, and her mother's snarcastic view on things. Take for example the following conversation.

Schroedad: That lady sitting across from you was totally sizing you up.

Smarty Pants: I didn't notice, I was over here trying not to yak. (see above)

Schroedad: She kept looking at her ring. It was huge.

Smarty Pants: Maybe they just got married here, and she's getting used to it.

Schroedad: Nope, I was listening while I was doing my crossword, and they have kids.

Girl Child- interrupting: So you were eavesdropping?

Schroedad: Yup.

Girl Child: I hear that's rude these days

Perfect comedic timing from the 8 year old.

actual conversation

Schroeder: Hey, Babe- would you need a centrifuge for anything?

Smarty Pants: Um, no... Why?

Schroeder: I was just checking, I found one for ten bucks




My friend told me when she was first married she had dreams/nightmares that her husband would cheat on her. He never did.

My dreams/nightmares are that Schroeder brings home some new, and ridiculously unnecessary thing which he will never part with again. My Schroesband has hoarder like tendencies, and this very well could happen.

The story of why I no longer go to the football games

Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story- Mark Twain

The first summer after Schroeder and I were married he offered to take me to a BYU football game. I acquiesced- and now I don't go anymore.

We had really good seats, thanks to uncle Russ and his 4 sets of season tickets, the problem was not with where we were sitting, it was the people behind us. Picture the meanest old grumpy guy that you know, and grumpify him a million more times.

Some people are not aware that there is a boundary of space, a bubble if you will, that surrounds other people and that it should not be crossed, smashed or otherwise damaged. The man sitting behind me was one of those unaware people.

I endured the knobby knees in the center of my back for more than half of the game, the other half I was being yelled at by him.

Every time the Cougs got within 15 yards of the end-zone everyone would stand up, making it necessary for me to stand up as well, which then earned me a yank on the back of my shirt and an angrily yelled "DOWN IN FRONT".

Right, like me sitting down is somehow magically going to enable you, grumpy Gus, to be able to see the field, through all of the other people's behinds who are standing up too.

I don't think I've ever felt so negatively about an old person, aside from driving behind one, in my whole livin' life. And these were season tickets people. I'm positive I don't possess the will power not to say excessively snarky and sassy things to my elders, for a whole season in front of that guy.

So that game I endured: the sun in my eyes, a hard seat for my bum- since I didn't know about the chair renting thing, the grouchy man's knees in my back- and him yelling at me, and my husband looking at me funny and then pretending not to know me when I accidentally cheered for the wrong team- it was only once though.

After that I told him we'd have a better marriage if he took a friend from then on. And the nice thing is, is that we do. I happily oblige to become a football widow for the season, if I never have to do that again.

an ode to the schroed (er)

Superman and Emma (aka kryptonite)

Dear Schroeder (aka Superman)

Thanks for folding all of the laundry last night, and putting it away too. I was stressing over that big time- the whole coming home to a messy house thing, crazy, I know. It was like having magic elves living in the house. Also thanks for scrubbing the black mold of death off of that danged tent with me, if it's toxic at least we'll die together! You pretty much swooped in and saved the day.

With much gratitude,
Smarty Pants (aka Lois Lane)

delusional husband's birthday tribute

Dear Schroeder,

Happy Birthday! I'm glad you made it to 31, and I'll bet you are too-especially since you thought I was going to put you out of your misery while you were sick. You're really funny when you're having dehydration induced hallucination- dreams. I mean really- why would I hold a gun in my left hand? And even more important, why would I shoot you, even if you weren't going to pull through an illness-um, hello insurance policy? I'm glad you're back to your re-hydrated self.

All kidding aside, Happy Birthday and thanks for being so great.

Love,
Smarty Pants

all about nothing

Today is one of those days where I have nothing to say, but I'm going to blog anyway. You've been warned.

So I saw this really great set of books at Deseret Book, a compilation of girl-approved books: Austen x 3, Bronte (imagine the two dot thingy over the e), Alcott, Burnett, Orczy, Montgomery.

I covet it. It's a sin I know. But they're bound so beautifully, and I could read for days and not come up for air even. My Emma and I could read them together, ok so maybe it would be a few years before she's ready for some of them, but little women and the secret garden- totally age appropriate.

While I was dreaming of those books I realized I should be doing something, so I started folding the laundry. I found the dryer sheet and went to throw it away and started cleaning the kitchen. When I started putting stuff away that was piled on the counters I cleaned in the room that I put stuff away in- it's official; I have cleaning ADD. I have too many half way cleaned rooms and jobs- but not one is done, or even done enough that I could call it done and walk away.

So I walked away from it all and started writing- do you see the method in my madness? If so could you explain it to me.

OOH- the Schroedad is home, I've got to move some piles to make it appear as if I've gotten something done.

home-work

The Schroeder has an "office" at home- the problem with the home office is that he's home. I know, obvious right, but I didn't take into account the hang out factor. see when we're both home we like to hang out and talk. Which is fantastic and wonderful- when all of the work is done, but the talking gets in the way of me getting the stuff done that I need to. So the home office had to be closed during the day, and basically I had to kick him out.


-Sorry Schroeder but the laundry doesn't do itself- and I like you too much to do it when you're here- you're way too fun to hang out with. at least we know what to expect when it's retirement time right?

I think it should be turned into a den type room, or move the wood stove down stairs and make a great mud room out of the entry and turn this into another bed room- I'll draw up the plans and you can let me know.

license and registration please

When I was a senior in high school my cute friend Mary and I had this thing- we hated PDA, loathed it even. I mean really- smooching in the halls in high school, come on, it was just gross. So we took matters into our own hands and formed the PDAP- we had felt sheriff's stars and squirt guns and everything. We would go around and squirt offenders, you know like how you squirt a dog to stop bad behaviors. It was funny and we had a blast- and we really did clean up the halls of PHS.

That torch has been passed to The Schroeder, except he doesn't use squirt guns- just a scary cop voice. Case in point- last night in the church parking lot, right under the lights even-ugh, there were two teenagers were making out. Sheriff Schroeder took his scary voice out and told those kids to go home. And just before Christmas the sheriff stopped a couple of kids from procreating- just call him Mr. Abstinence. Gross I know- but really what do you do when, while innocently taking your child out to do donuts in the church parking lot, you come upon a dark and steamy car- with no apparent occupants. He knocks on the window is what.

Teenagers fear him, their parents unknowingly owe him, and Emma will one day be embarrassed to even know him.

whats new

It snowed outside last night, winter is just making sure we know that spring doesn't officially start for a few more weeks. Just when I thought he was cozily sleeping for another year, he was startled awake again. Hopefully he'll doze off more peacefully and hibernate for the rest of the year. I know I know, it's Utah and we can realistically see snow until June, a girl can still dream right?

On an unrelated subject, The Schrogerey went well. He had both knees cleaned out yesterday. Apparently it was worse than Dr. K imagined, so it took longer, but ever the trooper The Schroeder went to the office today (against all advice, and in the dang snow) but he really has a free pass for just about anything, seeing as he woke up and drunkenly professed his undying love for me. It was actually very sweet, in a drug induced kind of way. He told me-head bobbing eyes unfocused- that I was the first thing he (consciously) thought of when he woke up, true love is what that is. but isn't it just darling?

Letter to The Schroeder

Dear Schroeder,

Thanks for doing the dishes after the party with the P's and Q's last night, that was great of you. Also those steaks were cooked to perfection-way to be the grill master. I must admit though, I am kind of jealous that you won nearly every game we played, whonu, then *chaps and spurs too. I am slightly competitive as you know, and that was a difficult blow to take, that whole not winning a single game thing-oh I know the girls team won at sequence and all, but somehow that doesn't count, at least not for my gigantic game playing ego. But seriously way to go on the awesome game night winnings. I think you're fun to hang out with, we should do it more often.

Love,
Smarty Pants

p.s. even though my love letter to you is laced with satyr and a hint of sarcasm, please note that it is all self deprecating, and not directed at you in any way- the compliments are genuine

*real name of game-hand and foot or boot and glove

Real estate: an ode to the Schrodad

Emma is the proud owner of a prime piece of real estate, this house is awesome- two levels, hardwood flooring, new deck, freshly painted- it's a really sweet place... for Polly Pocket and Barbie.




The sweet interior




Those fabulous hardwood floors
Dear Schroeder,

Thanks for finishing the doll house, it really looks great. I know it was a lot of work and many cold evenings in the shed, and you should see how Girl Child loves loves it ever so much. She dreamed of it last night. I think it qualifies you for Schrodad of the year.

Love,
Smarty Pants

Christmas surprises

One of the really fun things about Christmas is the surprises, wondering just what is in that pretty package with your name on it. The tricks to try to figure it out, you know, shaking it, sniffing it, searching for small openings in the wrapping.

I haven't had this experience since I married The Schroeder. He can't keep a gift secret from me to save his life- and I don't even ask. He just blurts it out randomly, like he's going to explode if he keeps it in any longer. It's really sweet, the little face he makes when he's deciding whether or not to tell. He gets this grin on his face, like a baby when you can't tell if it's really a smile or maybe just gas. And really it's never a decision of to tell or not to tell, it's when to tell.

My recipe for an easy breezy Christmas

This year we've decided to do a service Christmas, and I have to say it's been a pretty stress-free season so far. Except the decorating part where, for 2 whole days, my living room looked like an elfin war zone. Christmas guts everywhere I tell you. Sometimes it gets on the walls though, you know.

I have been able to be my hermit-ish self, guilt free I might add, and stay in watching frosty, rudolph, and the ever popular Christmas story, while much of the rest of civilization is out shopping. That's not to say there will be no gifts, but most will not be store bought but tons will be created in my kitchen. caramels people caramels.

I'm thinking about doing 12 days of Christmas service-style for The Schroeder and girl child, I have exactly 4 ideas so far. I'll keep thinking, I have a week left to figure it out. plenty of time.

All I need now is some snow.

Dear Schroeder,

Thanks for handling things so efficiently while I'm gone, you've been amazing. The doll house looks great, that is the perfect shade of blue, and the new wood floors idea-so fabulous. I can't wait to see it finished.

While I'm gone would you mind fixing the popped tire on the stroller? I would really appreciate it.

How are the dinners I made and froze working out? I hope you guys are faring well in the food department-just don't tell me if you're living off of quesadillas, humor me- ok?

Thanks for calling me for family prayer and scriptures, it keeps me from missing you guys so much, I'm really glad you thought to do that.

I miss you and love you. Squish Em for me.

Love,

Smarty Pants

Dear Schroeder,

Thanks for taking girl child to school today, I know it was a rough one what with all of the hitting and screaming, and not to mention her antics *ha ha* kidding. And you don't feel well- so thanks for being willing to take that hit for me (literally).

Love,

Smarty Pants

Glad you're here

Dear Schroeder,

Thanks for all of the things you do. It was one of those days where I realized just how much I'd miss you if you were gone. Who else would laugh at our private jokes, or stay up talking about nothing and everything. On those nights I can't seem to get to sleep-I would be lost without you playing with my hair or rubbing my back until I finally fall asleep. And I really don't want to start paying for oil changes again, I've been spoiled. Oh and walking Em to school every day- I really appreciate it. I know it's not such a big deal now that she loves school, but last year- that was a life saver- so thank you, in case I haven't told you enough. Really I don't' think I could name everything you do, cause I'm probably not even aware of it all, but thank you anyway.

Love,
Smarty Pants

Widowed

It's official-I'm a college football widow for the next 3 months. Not just any college football either, BYU college football to be exact.

The ritual for a home game goes like this:

The Russ bus arrives 3 hours before kickoff, drive to Provo-the special route-to avoid traffic
Eat at EL Azteca, tasty Mexican food joint near campus
Rent comfy seats for the "old guys"-they sit on the bleacher seats (The Schroeder is lucky that Uncle Russ has 2 great seats and only 1 behind-so his fills the other seat)
Park at the dentist's office-to avoid the 5 dollar parking fee
Walk to LaVell Edwards stadium, sit in seats just in time for the game to begin

Occasionally I go to the games too-I get a little antsy though, I don't love sitting in the bleachers. I always end up in front of some really old guy who gets mad when I stand up and whose knees are in my back the whole game. By the end I am to the point that I want to hit an old person- not a good thing generally. So I limit my exposure.



In case you were wondering BYU won their first game of the season, against a really hard team I might add. GO COUGS!

Anniversary

Dear Schroeder,

Even though it's passed our anniversary I just wanted to drop a little note to tell you that even after all of these years I still love you, and I like you too.

Thanks for changing the flat tire we had on the freeway, that wasn't the most exciting way to spend our anniversary date, but you did a bang up job, and I'm glad I didn't have to do it. By the way, those new tires you rimmed and put on have fixed that other little problem we had with the car. It no longer shakes like a crack addict coming off when you go more than 65 mph. I was doing 90 on the freeway and had NO idea since we were sans shakes.

That was a really great present- thanks.

Love,

Smarty Pants

Five o'clock shadow

We had a family fear factor primary activity at the church.

There were things like: fling the rubber snake with you mouth, and a gak relay, and our family's favorite- the shaving cream cheeto beard game. The Shcroeder got to be our talented assistant. Isn't he lovely? We think so too.