Ever notice how just when you're doing something really good, really bad things happen. I'm beginning to think maybe I should just stop doing good things altogether.
Good thing: singing solo in our 10 virgins parable for the relief society birthday thing
Bad thing: GIANT hole in the ceiling due to a roof leak
Good thing: running the book fair at Girl Child's school
Bad thing: throwing my back out whilst folding laundry
Good thing: singing a dang solo in our 10 virgins parable for the relief society birthday thing- it so counts twice. Bad thing: the naughty dog marking his spot on the carpet downstairs- again
Do you see a pattern too? Hopefully they're isolated events and not the start of a trend.
Have you ever seen that show hoarders? It is an instant anxiety attack in a box for me, and every time we go to my in-law's house it's on. I find myself standing in front of the tv with my hands clapped over my mouth gasping, horrified by all of the crap inside one house. I find myself asking, how did her family-who lives inside the house- let this happen? Why don't they just send her out of town and have a giant yard sale or get a dumpster for the weekend?
My mother-in-law tries to calmly explain to me that it's an illness, and they just can't help it. And, while I am perfectly aware of, and considerate towards, mental illnesses I just can't see how it physically happens.
I have a husband and daughter with slightly hoard-ish tendencies, and as much as I love them, our house will never look like that. It just can't- I'd be in a mental institution. So one day, after visiting, I was talking to Girl Child about it, and the following conversation ensued.
Smarty Pants: Aren't you glad you learned how to keep your room clean?
Girl Child: I'm mostly glad that I got my ears pierced, but yeah I like my room clean too I guess.
Smarty Pants: How do you think you'd feel if we lived in a messy house like what's on tv
Girl Child: Well, it'd be ok, but I'd worry if someone tried to rob us.
Smarty Pants: What do you mean?
Girl Child: Well, we don't really have anything worth taking right now, so no one wants to rob us now... but if we got lots of stuff someone might want to steal it.
And the 8 year old does it again- zing.
I only have 1 this year: Take an afternoon nap whenever the chance presents itself.
That's it. No hugely profound make-overs of my soul (it's a little tired of that sort of thing right now). Just enjoy an afternoon nap, and let the dishes be for another hour, and the laundry stay in its folded- but not put away state a little longer.
I put up our Christmas decorations today. Yes, I am aware that Thanksgiving has yet to happen, however, I feel justified in doing so, since we are leaving and won't be back until practically December.
I think there's a rule somewhere that says if you are gone for the day after Thanksgiving, when Christmas decorations can legally be put up, that it's ok to have them up before you go. As long as the fall decorations are taken down first, and the Halloween stuff is put all the way away, because really, it's kind of sacrilegious to have those creepy spiders crawling all over the Baby Jesus, but wouldn't you agree?
We're going to Illinois to visit my momma, for 12 whole days. And seeing as we get back on the 29th I felt that it was reasonable to put up Christmas, and have 1 less thing to do when we get home. Still, it seems strange to have all of this stuff up, when it's raining and the leaves are still making their way slowly to the piles on the ground. Strange, but efficient my friends.
It's 1:35 pm and there is snow- on the ground, all sticking like, with no plans to melt. And here I was, just saying how it finally felt like fall, sweaters and flip-flops and all- then out of nowhere we have snow. ummm- I think winter is getting a little ahead of itself, and I don't think I'm too pleased either. I'll let you know when I decide.
So on to the real reason for this post. Jen convinced me I should give away a sampling of my tiny truffles, twisted my arm right into it I tell you. Ok- so maybe it was just a suggestive comment, but still she's the reason- so thank her if you win.
Seeing as I have no idea how to do this whole giveaway thing; what conditions to place upon it, what hoops to make you jump through, I'll keep it simple. Leave a comment saying that you'd actually like to try them and I'll make the Schroedecider pick a name from a bowl. Easy enough right?
And now for the explanation, indicated in the title. It's about the hovercraft- what a story- it goes like this, with only minor embellishments- for entertainment's sake only though.
Once upon a time a young man was talking to an old farmer- the young man totally gets the old farmers, seeing as he is one- at heart anyway. The old farmer takes the young man on a walk of the farm, and lo and behold, there was a hovercraft sitting.
Being the Y chromosomed being that he is, he ogled and admired said hovercraft. So the old farmer generously offered the hovercraft to the young man, free of charge. And so the young man dragged that sucker home, hoping to gain forgiveness from his lovely and kind wife, seeing as he failed to chat with her about such and acquisition- it was free of charge after all.
She forgave him, but, occasionally and very silently, she loathes the hovercraft in private. Cursing it's state of in- between-motors-at-the-time, and it's lack of motivation to even find one. But sometimes, especially at Christmas, the lovely and tolerant wife actually likes the old thing. Mostly due to it's usefulness as a decoration, and because it's Christmas, good will to all, and such.
And now you know the story of the hovercraft that sits in my garden, and how it came to be- at my house anyway. I don't know how it got to the old farmer's house, or what his wife thought about it either.
I have this list of things- well I have lots of lists, I love lists. But this list in particular, it's not a bucket list, or anything dramatic like that- it's my "I'll get around to it, eventually" list
You know that list of things, the ones that never quite get done? They never move to the top of the list, and maybe, just maybe, one day might get checked off. (If the wind conditions are just right and there is a full moon or some other cosmic anomaly, that all come together by happen-chance.) Like waxing that hair between your eyebrows- you know it needs to get done, but somehow it gets put off for one more day, until you look like Bert, then finally you get to it.
Yes, that list. Mine seems rather long recently. It's also taking many more mundane chores into it's ranks. Must remedy. Tomorrow.
Thankfully it's not gotten to the point that taking a shower or other personal hygiene practices are on this list.
See those eyes- they keep her out of a lot of trouble- only that's the trouble you know? What do you do with a suddenly super sassy girl? I particularly liked that bit of alliteration there, it was good- no?
Why is it that whenever there is something new, like a new school year for instance, she feels this impulse to test all of the boundaries? Sorry kiddo- bed time can't be eleven o'clock at night, due to the fact that you are eight and have to go to school (I can stay up that late because I'm twenty-nine, and can maybe squeeze in an afternoon nap). No you can't have marshmallows for dinner, those vegetables are what's for dinner. Sorry darling you can't drive the car either.
I feel like all I say lately is "no, umm no, and you heard my answer, it's still no"- and I dont' really like it. Yes is such a good word- yes you can do your homework, sure feel free to tidy up your room, of course you can play- as soon as your jobs are done and yes I love you more today than I did yesterday.
I'm hoping we can settle into a routine of normalcy soon, without the sass and drama that currently invades our house like swine flu, or possibly body snatching aliens.
Some women get jewelry for their anniversaries, some get gift certificates for massages or shopping trips. Some get dates to dinner and the movies. I got magic.
It happened on Tuesday, I left the house that evening- for young women's; the back yard was dirt, the crater from the lost peach tree was still almost as deep as the ache over losing it, and the patio was a dusty mess. I came home and there was this lush green lawn where the dirt once was.
The patio was still a disaster, but there was lawn. and it was the most beautiful sight I think I've ever seen. Sod is magic people. And I have a backyard worthy of a swing set- built by a daddy who loves his girl (*ehem Shcroedad, do you still remember?)
It's still a happy shock to look out the back windows as I walk by and see green lawn there, instead of dirt and dog poop. Even the weather is celebrating my good fortune, it has rained every day since the sod got put in- she's a good gal that Mother Nature.
And my gift to the Schroedad? I cleaned the patio of course.
And I'm planning our date too- ideas please.
We, and when I say we- it really means I'm the intermediary and that is all, are helping some neighbors diagnose the problem with their swamp cooler. I'm much better at humans you know.
Just ask Dr. K, who now knows exactly how to prescribe valtrex for shingles, it's all in my little head you know. I mean, sure it's in the special physician's desk reference book too, but my head is much gray-matterier anyway. It's a good thing I filled in today.
Anyway back to the swamp cooler, the thing must be fixed. I don't know how they survived today- as it's edging toward 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. Popsicles can only take you so far, cold air is essential I tell you. Otherwise the alternative is wallowing in pools of your own sweat, and that is just gross. and smelly. and not very cool either.
Dx: broken fan belt thingy.
Rx: get a new one stat.
It is true and not at all an exaggeration when I tell you that I hauled eight bags of garbage out of The Girl Child's play room last night. The Schroedad and I were in the hole, akin to the chokey- but entirely less drippy, setting up a bin system.
It began with me, Smarty Pants- mother of the year even, freaking out about the disaster zone that the 'play room' had become. The floor wasn't visible due to the copious amounts of junk splayed out like dead bodies. And it wasn't just toys either, clothes, shoes, missing dogs, ok not the last one- but they could have been there unawares to us. We found my niece's jacket that's been missing for a few months. And far too many spiders, one, but still far too many for my liking.
The Schroeder, bless him forever, was out looking at Ikea, Home Depot and Walmart until ten-o'clock, shopping for the bins and shelves. I think we finally stumbled to bed around one-thirty in the morning, but I've never slept better. The peaceful sleep that comes from organizing is second to none, but don't you agree?
It's 2 o'clock, and I still haven't showered. Gross, I know. I've been catching up on life, mostly on the computer, but still, catching up. But if only the laundry were this fun.
Now that Trek is over and the 4th of July breakfast and bake sale (of huge success) is done I can breathe normally again-but really, I want to cry, cause my house- of recent immaculateness- is the crap shack again.
How does this happen? I still don't know. It's like I look away from the glory and beauty of a clean house for one second, and BAM out of nowhere, mess elves come and ruin everything.
I have exactly 4 weeks before girl's camp, that means 4 weeks to make the house nice and organized, and clean again. To get all of these dishes back to their owners, and put the sod in. And sadly I fear, I will probably come home to the crap shack after camp, and have to start all over again. But the smell and roar of a campfire, and the fun of girl's camp is so worth the trade, but don't you think?
I think I actually lost my mind for a while today. Not just the garden variety mind losing, this was all out can't find the thing, too much noise to try and remember the last time it was seen, and not enough floor visible to look for it. In case you were wondering, there was a valid reason for the absentee mind.
7 children in my home, that was it. Only 1 belongs to me of course. Some were screaming, some body art happened, a lot of macaroni was thrown and thankfully no puke happened. All as I was trying to pack and get ready for the trip that we are leaving for tomorrow. with a YW activity that I was in charge of tonight. I gave chaos a whole new meaning, and I have a new found respect for moms with lots of kids all the time.
I'm one of those. You know, the ones who can't leave a dirty house- and was it ever messy, but you couldn't see the floor for the mess. I panicked, and thought about bailing on the trip- then sent the family away and rolled up my sleeves to get to work, and it's done. Floors, counters, laundry- all done. So I will, in fact be going river rafting and hiking- and sleeping soundly knowing that I'll be coming home to a clean house. Cause nothing is worse than coming home from vacation with a boat load of dirty laundry, stuff to unpack, and having to clean the house on top of it, but don't you agree?
so off I go, see you next week. If I remember I'll take some awesome pictures, if I'm lame I won't
He's been staring up at me from the counter top- he had to go. Emma calls him puffy, I call him creepy; but strangely, if I stare into his plastic googley eyes long enough I find the answers to life's questions. (He came to our house second hand- courtesy of the boy next door.)
Like what is that smell that wafts through the kitchen every time I open the refrigerator door? It's like a stink demon ghosting through the house, chasing me with gag inducing powers. It was the salad Emma made, old and stinky and uneaten. It came to my brain, a clear picture of the offending bowl, as I was looking into those unmoving eyes.
And will my traitor elbow ever bend the right way again? It was pain and torture part 2 today- much less painful, and good news- the elbow in question is not, in fact, frozen. Which means that one day, in the future I will most likely have full use of the arm restored.
I also was informed that I should attempt swimming tonight- those eyes, full of answers I tell you. It's like having a spiky 8 ball that talks right to your soul, and has disturbing eyes. Did I mention the eyes yet?
So maybe creepy stuffed puffer fish can stay, since he is answering all of these epic questions for me. In her room though- then I can visit him, and hear the advice from the fish, but won't have to feel the dead stare of it on my back.
Today I had to bust out the magic eraser, you know that weird white sponge that cleans anything off of everything. Crayon on the walls, pen on the floor, general destruction that comes from smallish humans living in the vicinity. There were many smallish humans in my vicinity today- 6 to be exact- and it was so much fun!
I'm sure that whoever created this thing made a pact with the devil. There is no other logical explanation for what it can do. I suppose it's lucky for me that they did- I get the benefits of the waterless sponge miracle without having to sell my soul or guess his name or trade my firstborn child or anything.
And the cleaning mojo the white sponge of magic, possessed me with a desire to rid my home of all dirt- and, well my house is glad for it. That kitchen sparkled like the sequins on a Vegas show girl's costume. But isn't it fabulous?
The sunshine didn't even distract me, not even with his rays lasting well past dinner time now. I had the will power of a yo yo dieter in the 'new diet phase'. Alas it'll probably only last that long.
I wish there was a pager thing for cell phones- I lose mine way too often. Down the couch, on the bathroom counter, the depths of the purse. I try, unsuccessfully mind you, to put it in the same place when I'm done with it- you know so I'll know where to find it next time I want to use it.
Somehow I have developed cell phone amnesia. As soon as I'm done using it I promptly set it down and then forget that I just used it, then the wandering search begins. I think it's an actual medical condition, I don't think there is a cure.
Also there is no food in this house, not a thing to eat- so I must make the obligatory trip to Costco, on a Friday, Gah! I'm so not looking forward to that- not even the samples can mitigate the headache that is Costco on a Friday, or Saturday for that matter. I know- procrastination is the root of all evil or some such old adage. I'm sure I won't learn my lesson from this as I know that in my hermitishly cave like existence I will let us run completely out of food again before I go shopping next. and I'll curse my procrastination then too. I blame it all on the amnesia
Today is one of those days where I have nothing to say, but I'm going to blog anyway. You've been warned.
So I saw this really great set of books at Deseret Book, a compilation of girl-approved books: Austen x 3, Bronte (imagine the two dot thingy over the e), Alcott, Burnett, Orczy, Montgomery.
I covet it. It's a sin I know. But they're bound so beautifully, and I could read for days and not come up for air even. My Emma and I could read them together, ok so maybe it would be a few years before she's ready for some of them, but little women and the secret garden- totally age appropriate.
While I was dreaming of those books I realized I should be doing something, so I started folding the laundry. I found the dryer sheet and went to throw it away and started cleaning the kitchen. When I started putting stuff away that was piled on the counters I cleaned in the room that I put stuff away in- it's official; I have cleaning ADD. I have too many half way cleaned rooms and jobs- but not one is done, or even done enough that I could call it done and walk away.
So I walked away from it all and started writing- do you see the method in my madness? If so could you explain it to me.
OOH- the Schroedad is home, I've got to move some piles to make it appear as if I've gotten something done.
The crap shack is just that, again, filthier than it's been in a long time, but so much fun was had that it's totally worth the week long clean-up I'm sure I'm in for.
The highlight of the visit, besides the fact that my mama was here {alive and breathing and beautiful, and cancer free} was Girl Child's baptism. She was so happy and insanely beautiful in her white dress, made by the best next-door-neighbor anyone could ever ask for. And silly me, I didn't get any good ones of the fabulous dress, just a few close-ups. It was too wet for that, but just another good reason to put her back in it and take more pics outside.
But I'm getting ahead of myself, I tend to do that when overly excited. Kind of like a Chihuahua whose family went on vacation, and just got home.
Em was oh-so-lucky and got to play hooky from school- so we played, and hung out with cousins and ate, and ate. Everyone fought over the new baby- the Mama always won, grandma's rights you know. We stayed up way too late every night, and got up too early- there was just so much to catch up on- I don't know how, it's not like we don't talk on the phone at least 4 times a week, but we pulled near all nighters anyway.
We got our missionary ready to go, the list was looked over and checked twice, now to make it all fit into 2 suitcases will be the real miracle.
We didn't really go anywhere or do anything special, except we ate at In-N-Out burger, my favorite burger joint ever. Cheeseburger no tomatoes, animal-style, fries and a strawberry shake. It really doesn't get any simpler, or yummier, than that.
On saturday the weather was less than cooperative for my outside brunch plans, so we moved the party on over to my in-laws house- cause mine just doesn't fit that many people, nor do I want to attempt it.
Brunch is really just a fun way of saying eat dessert in the middle of the morning legally, cause there is fruit involved, and we did just that. We gorged ourselves on fruit and pastries, muffins and creme puffs. It was truly delightful.
I can't wait until the fam comes back at the end of August- they picked up Genius Brother from BYU and they'll be back to ship him off to Mexico City, Mexico for 2 years. He thinks he'll recover from all of the Cannon center food he consumed by walking- I'm of the opinion a parasite will be more instrumental in that.
My brain is still recovering from severe sleep deprivation, some details may have escaped the telling of this story, that may or may not be rectified later.
10-4 over and out
Yesterday, I intended to get lost of work done inside the house. Get the guest room ready, mop the floor, clean bathrooms-since my Mama is coming today- yay!
None of that actually happened, see it was perfectly weathered outside, AND I even remembered to put sunscreen on. So I took that as a sign that the yard work should be commenced, and I was right. I have accomplished my goal- we do not have the worst lawn on the block, and it's not even May. There aren't even bedding plants in either- I'm feeling pretty smug right now in case you were wondering.
All of my inside projects sit half completed- and I will officially have people staying here in less than 12 hours.
seriously it's time to get all of the naked barbies out of the tub and off of the floor so I can scrub away, and yet here I sit typing away- while they lie there creeping the dog out. It's a good thing that I work well under pressure, because eventually the laundry will need to be put away and the floor will need to be mopped and the bed made up.
Must turn on work music for additional motivation, cause those naked barbies don't clean the tub that they live in- rent free I might add.
I'm really glad I'm not a pioneer woman, they had it hard- physically. I'd like to think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but I know I have a low tolerance for annoying-ness.
Let me explain; a headache is annoying- it hurts yeah, but mostly just annoying, blisters are very annoying, but what do you do about them- suck it up is what.
And those pioneers, they had a whole life of sucking it up. Oh I know we have it hard in different ways- but seriously they had to suck it up with no air conditioning even.
I couldn't imagine doing the laundry, my nemesis of all housekeeping, their way- scrubbing the clothes in homemade lye soap, standing over boiling kettles all the live long day. Sheesh my shoulders hurt just thinking of it. We'd be much smellier and dirtier than we are now if that was the way of things. Thank heavens for huge capacity washers- but don't you agree?
I think I would be one giant sun-burned blister had I been a pioneer, and I'm kind of glad for my own stuff I have to suck up when I think of that.
Ever feel like you've been so busy all day getting the little stuff done that it seems like you didn't do anything at all? But don't those days just make you feel all discombobulated? I think I lost a whole day to that very thing, here I was thinking it was Tuesday and then out of nowhere BAM- it's actually Wednesday.
The flower bed is prepped and ready for some pretty flowers, I just need to figure out what to plant- that's where it gets tricky, I don't have the best flower choosing skills. I don't know what looks nice together- so I just pick a hodge-podge mix of flowers and it ends up looking like a 4 year old was in charge. Maybe this year I can find someone who knows what they're doing and plagiarize the crap out of them-yes?
I mean what goes well with hot pink peonies and lamb's ear- those are the perennial flowers gracing the flower patch- really what balances them? Someone has to know, cause I sure don't. Also the mower is getting it's annual tune up so I may be able to mow the lawn tomorrow- all in my quest for the not having the crappiest yard on the street, for the third year running. I didn't realize it was such a monumental task when I determined to make us a little less red neck-ed {not to be confused with red naked- when you sun bathe on the French Rivera sans sunscreen}
