wherein I run an orphanage

How to Run an Orphanage
or pretend you're the Duggars on TLC
whichever you prefer
By Smarty Pants

First make sure you have lots of kids, any age will do. Take, for example, the 8 kids I had at my house this morning. A 10 year old, two 8 year olds, a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, a baby of 11 months, and a baby of 8 months.

To begin, you should agree to have your brother's kids stay over, on a school night if possible, so he & his wife can go to a nice hotel. Veterans day discount you know. Make sure you have a pack & play or other sort of crib for the baby.

Then you watch four extra kids that don't belong to you, on very short notice. Next add your own kid to the mix, and voila- an orphanage.

Honestly- I was insanely happy, and a little crazy, to have all of those kids. Why is that, do you think? I'm sure no one spiked the punch, I've not had a head injury recently, and I'm not taking any medications. I really have no logical explanation. But, I wasn't sad to see them go either- so that must prove my sanity, right?

actual conversation

Mischief & Sass- that's what those eyes are planning

When The Girl Child was 3 she cut her own hair, her long beautiful almost to her behind, hair. She gave herself what could only be described as a mullet, a very long in the back/short in the front, mullet.

She chopped the sides of her hair, and there was nothing to be done but give her the little pixie hair cut. You know the kind- it's so cute, but only while it's that length. Once it starts growing out it's not so much cute, as it is scraggly.

Upon talking to her about hair cutting, this conversation actually took place.

Smarty Pants: Em, only people who've been cutting hair for a long time, and have gone to school and practiced, can cut hair.

The Girl Child: But mom, I've been practicing my whole life.

Now imagine it with a darling little lisp, that 'practicing' sounds a whole lot cuter- but doesn't it?

There was nothing to do but giggle, while trying to keep a straight face. I didn't succeed. She cut her own hair a few more times after that, although never so drastically.

We finally got her to stop by telling her if she did it again, she'd have to get her hair cut like Daddy's. She wasn't in love with the idea of the buzzer with the #2 guard on it coming at her head. I'm really glad too, that would have been awful to follow through on.

rosebud lips

She has the prettiest little lips I ever did smooch (sorry Schroedad- it's true), I'm one lucky mama! Thankfully she no longer gives slug-kisses, you know the kisses of a 9 month old with the tongue hanging out and drool all over the place? I'm really glad she out grew those.

ecxitement induced insomnia

This could quite possibly be an exaggeration, but I was up all night long- now don't go thinking this a post about marriedly doings, cause it's definitely not.

It's about the problem of insomnia, not my insomnia either. It was all the Girl Child's insomnia that keeps me up.

The Girl Child was so excited about the first day of school that she put herself to bed at 8:00. Then she woke up at 11- and stayed awake until 2- am. 2 am people. I wasn't very happy to hear- "mom is it morning yet?" every 5 minutes, but I was glad that to hear that she's excited for school. I was gladder when she finally fell back to sleep.

She popped right out of bed, wanted to skip breakfast, ready to go to school an hour early. Apparently the middle of the night wandering didn't interfere with the pep she had going on. It messed with mine.

It's officially the end of summer vacation. unofficially there's still a lot to pack into the rest of the summer.

Thank heaven for little girls

One of the girls quoted me on the table of fame-and maybe drew a picture of me too, I'm not sure?

And it came to pass that we created. In the first hour we made hair flowers. And it was good. In the second hour we cut fabric and made hair clips. And it was good. And in the seventh hour I rested, they played Mario. And it was good.

Can you tell I'm still on a crafting kick from girls camp? Em and Lys were crazy crafters today, one project right after another. They had some good ideas for Christmas gifts too. I nearly choked when they said the Christmas word- we're still in the throes of summer, and they're planning Christmas already. Apparently I'm not the only one who is a little OCD with the planning stuff.

I think we're trying for fitting all of summer into this last week. And I think if we sit on it and jump a little while we zip, it just might work.

pre-teen jitters

I'll be honest, I'm a little nervous. Girls camp is next week, and I've left Emma before, even for this long- something is just different this time. Maybe it's because she doesn't have the routine of school to keep busy with, or maybe it's because she's been asking for a bra lately and seeming so much more grown up than I really am comfortable with- I can't pin-point the difference.

She has suddenly entered that tween age, not a little girl but not a teenager (thank heavens for that!) and she's obsessed with all things grown-up-ish. I'm not ready for bra talk, let alone period questions. I still want 'if the sky is blue and the sun is yellow, why isn't the air green?' not 'why do people have babies?' (all actual questions she has asked).

How did this happen, and more importantly- what do I do? How do people successfully raise daughters, and see them through the teenage years? I'm woefully unprepared!
Someone should write a book or something.

Monkey girl

This is my child, whom I believe is part monkey. I know I should probably fear her climbing the 15 or 20 feet in the air. I should be worried that she'll fall and break her arm, but she's been at it for so long that the fear has sort of melted into more of a blase shrug. (I also can't make the ` thingy go over the e right- so you get the no` version)

I remember when I used to have that near crippling mom fear of her climbing things. I vividly remember when she was about 15 months old, climbing to the top of my Mom's piano, saying 'mama yook' and leaping off of the top. I can still feel the pull of my stomach- my eyes shooting open wide and my arms instinctively reaching out to catch her, even though I was 8 feet away. I also remember the look of triumph in her big brown eyes when she rolled and stood up, unscathed, and proud as can be.

She's gotten a little more daring with each new thing to climb, and my fear has been inversely proportional to her daring. I hope everything in her life goes this way- her taking a chance and me trusting a little more each time.

3rd grader

The list has been posted. I refrained from requesting this year, since last year was such a bust. I have to trust that she is with the teacher that will be best for her, that Heavenly Father knows Em and loves her more than I do. It won't stop me from worrying little though, and praying a lot.

repeat please

It was one of those Mary Poppins days- practically perfect in every way, you know the ones where you wish would do the whole groundhog day thing; lather, rinse, repeat.

The Girl Child cheerfully, no eye rolling or sassy tones, did everything I asked- the first time. But holy crow was that more magnificent than I ever could have imagined it could be.

I got all of my chores done, super fast- must have been the peanut butter and banana toast I ate for breakfast- and still had time to play with Emma. And I mean really play. Polly Pockets, Nintendo, reading, built a fort- and cleaned it up, all before dinner.

Tomorrow will you be just as great? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

all I did was make the bed twice

Random picture of Emma. No reason

Tuesday started out a chilly rainy day- that should have been my first sign, cause it only got worse from there. See I forgot to put my sheets in the dryer the night before, so when The Schroeder brought them in I was uncomfortably asleep, still dressed, and had to wake up to make the bed- sometime after midnight.

Then I groggily sent the Girl Child off to school the next morning, didn't get a lick of work done except to make the bed again. Even young women's was taxing on the traitor elbow as we weeded a widow's flower beds. And to top off the night it was that time of the month- no, not for me, for the Girl Child.

The monthly vomiting. all.night.long. It was worse than having a new born. 11-2 puking on and off, then again at 3:30 and 5:30. What I'd like to know is how on earth she wakes up early after a night of that, and by early I mean before 9.

I feel like Tuesday's a never ending day-almost like ground hog day, but with more throw-up.

I've had to stretch the limits of my sad imagination to keep this girl busy, but not active. Drawing- she likes to design dresses, watching movies- but only half at a time, reading, paper crafting, my poor head is about to burst! But doesn't she know by now- I'm just not that creative?

And worse the sunshine is mocking us both- come out and play on the slip-n-slide it beckons, soak up my rays he calls- in a taunting voice. Doesn't he know my entire couch is piled with laundry to be folded and put away?Isn't he aware of the soreness that barfing all the live long night causes? Doesn't he care?

I think I need a good night's sleep to put this all into perspective, and to end- once and for all, this no good very bad terrible rotten day.

questions on motherhood

Can too much eye rolling cause brain damage? I'm a little worried if so, since the Girl Child has rolled her eyes about 10,000 times in the last 24 hours. I'm beginning to think that she'll just pass out from rolling her eyes too far- and wake up blind or something really horrible.

How did my 8 year old get to this point so quickly? I thought I had at least another 4 or 5 years before I had to start worrying about this. Is it something to even worry about or just ignore for the time being? Why don't they come with reset buttons or panic buttons or something? Who can figure out what goes on inside an emotionally high strung little girl's head? Not me that's for sure.

Early bed-time, and a big bowl of ice cream (for me) is the treatment for now.

run away drama queen

Yesterday- 4:08 pm The Girl Child packed her bag, for no apparent reason, and decided to run away, she got as far as the edge of our yard before she came running home.

"You love Bear more than me" was the official explanation- seriously. Apparently now she is having sibling rivalry issues with the dog. Not really sure what brought it on- but I'll tell you what it is. Drama is what. And she's only 8- I have a feeling 14 is gonna be nuts.

Well, it's official, I'm not only the shortest- but also the least educated (notice I didn't say least smart- cause moming takes brains). But isn't he cute? (Jacob Black has nothin on him)

Hunky brother got accepted to Cornell, I know- Cornell!! He's cute and super smart- he got all of the tans- so- easily- freckle-free skin and chocolate brown eyes and hair genes, and now he gets accepted to Cornell! Where's the justice?

I know it may sound like I 'm jealous or something, but actually I'm not. I'm so proud I could pee my pants- like mother hen proud. The sad thing about all of this is that I was hoping he'd consider the U (guilt trip from the Jewish Mother in your head should be beginning right about now Brian) so he could come live here. I would even cook for him.

Seriously- he chose Cornell over my home cooked dinners and cheaper than cheap rent- and therein lies my real frustration- I miss him. I don't get to see him very often (again cue Jewish Mother guilt trip Bri) and now he's moving to New stinking York.

It's going to be a really big deal when my own kid goes and moves away on me- poor children of a smother mother.

I was contemplating skipping the whole obligatory Mother's day post, not that I don't love my mother, or even Mother's day, it's just one of those occasionally touchy subjects in our house of late. Then I found cute Jen's blog, again with the whole linky thing- techno illiterate remember, anyway she challenged everyone to write about one weakness in motherhood, and one strength.

So now I feel guilty for trying to ignore it- and guilt, oh the Jewish mother in the back of my mind, she never rests, and so here is the guilt driven confession of my mothering successes and failures for your reading pleasure.

My weakness is definitely consistency, consistent FHE and family scripture study and expectations and follow through. Oh I try, and I read books on parenting- my latest was Christlike Parenting and now my Jewish mother in my head is telling me that I coerce too much.

I tell her 'but I thought a reward system was the way to reinforce good behavior' and she says 'well apparently it's just bribery, and that's a form of coercion' so now I feel all guilty and incompetent.

My plan- try to just be consistent with the important things, and let the rest fall into place. Read scriptures at breakfast as opposed to bed time- so no one can be too busy or too tired- a trapped audience if you will. FHE lesson on Sunday night, cause Mondays are out of control in our family, and an activity later in the week. That's all I've got on the solution home-front, maybe as I get all consistent like with these things I can add more, but baby steps Bob, baby steps.

My strength, and occasionally annoying trait-according to Girl Child, I'm a smother. I'm involved in all things Emma. Field trips, check, volunteer at school, check, read together every night, check, even playing-ugh- barbies. But she knows I'm available when she needs me, and she knows that I love her no matter what, even when she's naughty, and if there's only one thing she understands about our relationship that would be what I want her to know.

Begin transmission report

The crap shack is just that, again, filthier than it's been in a long time, but so much fun was had that it's totally worth the week long clean-up I'm sure I'm in for.

The highlight of the visit, besides the fact that my mama was here {alive and breathing and beautiful, and cancer free} was Girl Child's baptism. She was so happy and insanely beautiful in her white dress, made by the best next-door-neighbor anyone could ever ask for. And silly me, I didn't get any good ones of the fabulous dress, just a few close-ups. It was too wet for that, but just another good reason to put her back in it and take more pics outside.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, I tend to do that when overly excited. Kind of like a Chihuahua whose family went on vacation, and just got home.

Em was oh-so-lucky and got to play hooky from school- so we played, and hung out with cousins and ate, and ate. Everyone fought over the new baby- the Mama always won, grandma's rights you know. We stayed up way too late every night, and got up too early- there was just so much to catch up on- I don't know how, it's not like we don't talk on the phone at least 4 times a week, but we pulled near all nighters anyway.

We got our missionary ready to go, the list was looked over and checked twice, now to make it all fit into 2 suitcases will be the real miracle.

We didn't really go anywhere or do anything special, except we ate at In-N-Out burger, my favorite burger joint ever. Cheeseburger no tomatoes, animal-style, fries and a strawberry shake. It really doesn't get any simpler, or yummier, than that.

On saturday the weather was less than cooperative for my outside brunch plans, so we moved the party on over to my in-laws house- cause mine just doesn't fit that many people, nor do I want to attempt it.

Brunch is really just a fun way of saying eat dessert in the middle of the morning legally, cause there is fruit involved, and we did just that. We gorged ourselves on fruit and pastries, muffins and creme puffs. It was truly delightful.

I can't wait until the fam comes back at the end of August- they picked up Genius Brother from BYU and they'll be back to ship him off to Mexico City, Mexico for 2 years. He thinks he'll recover from all of the Cannon center food he consumed by walking- I'm of the opinion a parasite will be more instrumental in that.

My brain is still recovering from severe sleep deprivation, some details may have escaped the telling of this story, that may or may not be rectified later.

10-4 over and out

confessions of a mother bear

Ok I know my kid isn't, by any means, perfect. If I'm being truthful, she's actually at the most annoying age of childhood, and sometimes I'm too happy about bedtime. I can say these things, because I love her, no matter what- even if she is being a stinker; however, anyone else says something, and the mama bear comes out.

A person who has a child the same age as mine (one of the male variety) made a comment that set my teeth on edge and got my hackles right up. It's just a good thing they were leaving, or my snotty comment would have been blurted- and I would have had some repenting to do.

Her comment: Wow- she's outta control.

I confess, Girl Child was being obnoxious, really obnoxious even, but definitely not out of control.

The irony:Her kids are frequently out of control.

Example: last year said boy child pinned down girl child and spit on her face. But isn't that disgusting? If that isn't naughty and out of control then my name isn't smarty pants. Thankfully I've recently sworn off of cannibalism, and didn't eat her for lunch, and therefore kept my grace and good manners in tact- for now anyway.

dead solar batteries

Spring Break is over- The Girl Child had to go back to school today, neither of us was ready for that, but somehow we managed. What ever happened to week long school breaks? It's not like she gets out of school exceptionally early or starts late, there is only 1 month during the summer that she doesn't attend school at all. I know, I know 3 days in June and August isn't much- but it's still only July- the glorious month of July that is untouched by the long reaching tentacles of school. I like my kid for Pete's sake, and school is not daycare. But alas I'm ranting again, how does that happen?

So I should be spending this time getting my house ready- my mama is coming to visit- for Emma's baptism you know. Sheets need to be laundered, the downstairs bathroom needs to be freshened and stocked, the regular chores need to be attended to as well, I have a few loads of laundry to put away- that would require folding them first I know. And yet here I sit looking at the snow and the gray dreary clouds, wondering why spring has left me sun-less. I think I run on solar energy, and I haven't seen the sun enough lately to fully charge my battery.

On a more energetic cleaning note, Emma mopped the floor for me yesterday- it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Not just because it was a sweet gesture, and it was, but I'm plotting and planning. Now she can mop the floor in her bathroom, one more chore she can do for herself. It's enough to make a mother weep I say. Oh I know some people think I'm a cruel and heartless mom, making that poor child clean and all. But really I'm doing her a service, she'll thank me later I just know it.

mom interrupted

Well maybe it should be titled NAP interrupted. I was only about 20minutes into what I can tell was going to be a fantastic nap- then the dang dog starts going crazy. Jumping up in the window, whining, doing laps- the whole bit. So I ask Girl Child to let him out only to find out that there is no Girl Child- gone, not in the house- hence the dog, aka nanny, is freaking out.

She just decided to go outside to play with her friends, without asking permission or even telling anyone where she was going. Scariest 4 minutes of my life, then maddest 30 minutes after I found her. She was promptly sent to her room- so I wouldn't strangle her, and for her to 'think about what she'd done'.

The sad thing is is that I remember doing the exact same thing when I was her same age, only I snuck to the pool with my friend. and I remember thinking when I as punished 'what's the big deal?' and now I know what the big deal was. Sorry mom- I know it's 20 years late, but I am really sorry.

thank heaven for little girls

It's Emma's 8th birthday today! She's a really great kid, I don't know how I got so lucky. I know, I know sometimes I complain- but then I see other people's kids and I'm reminded of just how cool she really is. Drama-yes, but it makes our life spicy. Occasionally too spicy but luckily she has her excessively caring sweet side to balance out all of the spice and sass- I couldn't ask for anything more. And yes her big brown eyes get her out of a lot of trouble, I'm a sucker for them and proud of it, although I have yet to meet anyone who is immune to them.

I love this picture-even though it's 4 years old-those eyes and cheeks, I can't get over them!

Aren't those the coolest bruises? If it didn't hurt so stinking bad to bend my arm, they'd be even cooler. I had to wear a sweater at church yesterday, to keep them covered- The Schroeder said it looked like he was an abusive husband, and to please explain to people that it was a moment of klutziness- which is usually how these thing happen anyway right?

I'm sure you're dying to hear the story, so I'll indulge you. It was Tuesday morning, Girl child had the best morning of her second grade career, so I allowed her to choose her method of getting to school. The scooter was the vehicle of choice. alas there is nowhere to park it at school, so that left me to ride it home, you see where this is going now don't you?

I made it safely all the way to the driveway, and totally ate it on that little bump that separates the driveway proper from the gutter. the garbage men saw me biff it, and laughed. I jumped right up like I wasn't hurt and dragged the danged scooter to the back yard, along with my wounded pride.

I would show you a picture of the other two bruises, knee and foot, but I can't really bend in such a way as to get a picture... and getting those arm ones were hard enough, so you'll just have to use your imagination. just know they're ugly but no where near as cool as the ones on my arm. All in the name of good mothering and all that you know